Thanks to Democrats, America May Lose War on Environment

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

image for Thanks to Democrats, America May Lose War on Environment
Dems narrowly defeat "Atmosphere of Change" bill, smothering attempts to increase US carbon footprint.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - House Democrats on Friday effectively smothered the Republican-backed "Atmosphere of Change" bill, which could have increased the carbon footprint of the US by allowing Americans to ignore the continued devastation of our planet, exercising their right to let corporate interests and greed determine environmental policy.

Instead, after a bitter debate that lasted hours, legislators voted 219-212 against the bill, "threatening our already shaky leadership position in global greenhouse gas emissions," according to Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner.

Responding to the bill's defeat, Republican entertainer Rush Limbaugh said on his show that, "What this means, quite frankly, folks, is that we've ushered in a new 'cap and trade' system that will effectively force average, everyday American corporations to find creative new ways to wage war on the environment." Otherwise, he says, the US may be left behind by rival nations like China that are all too eager to assume our rightful position as top polluter.

According to a statement by the conservative Competitive Enterprise Institute, who also backed the proposed legislation, "America's current rate of increase in resource consumption should allow us to mine the entire planet all the way to its core, leaving us nowhere to stand, in about 500 years. The 'Atmosphere of Change Bill' could have cut that time in half while providing innumerable jobs in disaster relief."

Instead, say House Republicans, now it's going to take even longer.

GOP leadership indicates dramatic cuts in new job creation will now be likely, affecting sectors of the economy as diverse as air-conditioning installation and repair, new levee construction, flood damage restoration, disaster relief and emergency supply distribution, wildfire control, tornado and storm chasing, automotive hail damage repair, and insurance claims adjustment, just to name a few. Opportunities to continually upgrade an already woefully insufficient electrical power grid, and eventually even to provide riot control, may also become less necessary.

In addition, defeat of the Republican bill means "a likely decrease in America's considerable contributions to desertification, deforestation, glacial retreat, drought and famine," effectively rolling back expansion rates in these critical areas to levels not seen in decades, according to conservative environmental group, Earthly Dominion.

Republicans across the board scorned House Democrats for their "usual lack of bipartisanship" in casting their votes against the "Atmosphere of Change" bill, thereby "compromising America's competitive edge and hastening the continued erosion of our lead in an ever-tightening race to consume the world's resources first."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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