Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams was trying to halt rumours today that the secret of eternal life had been discovered nesting in his enormous wad of face fuzz by his local GP during a regular check up.
"This allegation is ludicrous" he warbled in his pleasingly low monotone voice. "There is nothing in my beard except for a chin. A firm, manly, Christian chin mind you. But still a fucking chin."
We contacted the GP who conducted the investigation, however he was suspiciously quiet on the issue and simply rocked back and forth in his chair, clutching his hands together and mumbling "if Rowan finds out, he'll kill my family…if Rowan finds out; he'll kill my family…" All we managed to get out of the doctor was a lollypop and an asthma inhaler.
However we did ambush the Archbishop outside of his local Canterbury Chippie, we dragged him to the floor and shaved off part of his beard. He did have a tattoo of Jesus punching a walrus on his cheek but sadly no secret of eternal life. We suspect after the allegations came to light, Rowan hid the secret of eternal life in an offshore bank account under a false name.
It may well be no coincidence that this allegation has come to light only three months after the last allegation made against the Archbishop, which was that he had the lost original manuscripts of the Old Testament hidden up his bum. This was apparently found by his local GP during a routine colon examination.
We will of course examine this allegation further as soon as the restraining order is lifted.