Written by Jeff Brone

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Columbus resident Steve "Skip" Lomeyer briefly returned from the dead last week to inform his family that his death had no reason or moral and there was nothing to be learned from the whole event.

The 68 year old Lomeyer was crossing a street and trying to read an "Archie" comic he just bought when he stepped out in front of a bus and was killed. Lomeyer informed his family that "you're not going to learn anything from all this, except that I was an idiot, so quit looking." Lomeyer expressed particular dismay at the minister who spoke at his funeral, and who he said "tried way too hard to make this some sort of chance for growth for the family. Hell, I walked in front of a bus. Most people would just call that stupid."

Lomeyer said that even God laughed when it was suggested that this all happened for a reason. "He was watching some storm on Mars or something, and I asked Him about that reason stuff and He just said that people can make up anything they want, it's OK with Him. Then he just laughed a little." Lomeyer added that he even asked God if there would have been a reason if he was reading the Bible instead of a comic book, and God said something like "maybe a little, but it's still a pretty stupid thing to do."

Lomeyer said the only reason he could possibly see for what happened would be to discourage others from reading Archie comics while walking in traffic, but then added "If someone has to die to teach you that, there may not be much hope for you anyway."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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