Bush declares 'War on Capitalism'

Funny story written by Onionuttapam

Friday, 26 September 2008

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US President George Bush, mastermind of the world-wide war on terror, in his last few months in office, has opened a new front in his relentless drive against enemies of mankind. Last night, in a prime-time televised speech seeking public support for his $700-billion Wall-Street rescue plan, Bush declared a 'War on Capitalism'

"Our entire economy is in danger from the excesses of capitalism. We're in the midst of a serious financial crisis. Without immediate action against capitalism, America would slip into a financial panic" warned Bush in his 13-minute speech from the White House, after angry legislators on Capitol Hill declared the $700-billion bail-out dead on arrival.

Reacting angrily to the skepticism and possible rejection of his bailout proposal by the Congress, Bush thundered, "Either you are with us or you are with this gnawing worm, this bloodsucking system of capitalism that is squeezing the life out of ordinary people who need mortgages and a functioning housing market"

"We cannot let this happen. If we don't take immediate steps against capitalism, our inaction would wipe out banks, empty retirement nests, send home values into freefall, and create millions of new jobless. We must not let capitalism ruin US economy" said Bush.

But unlike his previous war on terrorism, which was aimed primarily against terrorists instead of addressing the root cause of terrorism, in his new war on capitalism, Bush doesn't intend to take on the capitalists directly and prefers to help the capitalists defeat the scourge of capitalism by bailing them out with a trillion dollar package.

"Capitalism is the greatest enemy of capitalists" said Bush, turning on its head Karl Marx age-old maxim that it's capitalists who are the greatest enemies of capitalism. "We need to bail-out the poor capitalists, suffering from severe, traumatic shocks of excessive risk-taking in their persistent pursuit of profits and help them defeat their greatest enemy and America's biggest threat - the menace of capitalism"

This strategy of saving capitalists from the dire fallouts of capitalism is in sharp contrast to America's earlier tryst with capitalism-related crises during the great depression of 1929, when President Roosevelt pushed for serious regulation of the securities market in order to save capitalism from capitalists.

But Bush being a true capitalist-at-heart, realizes that capitalism itself is the primary cause of all the mess that Wall-Street today finds itself in and by nationalizing Wall-Street's bad debts and by bailing out rich pricks at the cost of tax-payers, their children and their grandchildren, has decided to strike at the very roots of capitalism.

While America's newest war against Capitalism might seem ironic considering that the US was the greatest exporter of Capitalism post-world war II and fought many wars on many fronts for many decades all over the world to protect capitalism on its soil and on foreign soils from the danger of communism, it comes as no surprise to astute observers who have noticed a regular pattern of America creating and promoting Frankenstein monsters and later declaring war against the same monsters.

In the late 50's, CIA's Clandestine Services Department experimented with mind-control drugs and unleashed LSD on its unsuspecting population leading to the rebellion of its youth in 60's and the emergence of hippie culture. But in 1971, US government declared drug abuse as "public enemy number one in the United States" and the then President Richard Nixon declared an unsuccessful war on drugs.

Similarly, it was CIA who created international terrorism and its prized poster-boy Osama Bin Laden during late seventies and early eighties by pouring at least US$ 20 billion worth of arms, training and funds to prop up the mujaheddin factions in Afghanistan. But after the 9/11 attacks on WTC towers, it turned its back on its own creation and declared war on terror and Osama, whom despite its sophisticated technological imagery, it cannot pin-point Osama's location or capture him.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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