Written by Tragic Rabbit

Monday, 30 June 2008

image for Loser's 'entire life' sold for £5
no regrets

A clinically depressed Australian living in America has agreed to a bid of £5 after putting his "entire life" up for sale following a weekend-long drinking binge with friends.

Joe Zilch, 44, who left Oz ten years ago, included his Memphis house, car, job, friends and assorted fuckbuddies in the online eBay.au auction. By the next morning, he couldn't quite remember why he'd put up the listing but wasn't sorry.

The lot attracted a peak offer of 10 Australian dollars (£5) when bids closed early on Sunday.

Despite expecting higher bids for the sum total of his life and efforts, Mr Zilch said he had "zero regrets".

At one point offers on the "life lot" rocketed to over two million Australian dollars (£1m) within hours of the sale's start last Sunday, but when eBay investigated, all the bids turned out to be from a six-year-old in Poukipsie and were withdrawn.

Up for auction was his three-bedroom trailer in Tennessee's capital city of Memphis, and everything inside it, including his Ford car on blocks outside the residence, bicycle, 27" black and white TV, waffle maker and toaster, a wardrobe high on corduroy fabrics, wife of ten years and their 2.5 children.

He also sold an introduction to his wife and a trial run at his assistant manager job at McDonalds, or it may have been written the other way around.

After the auction closed Mr Zilch said: "I am relatively pleased but I did think it would go a bit higher, if I'm honest.

"But I've no regrets. What's done is done and frankly, I'm looking forward to getting the hell away from it all."

Mr Zilch may have subconsciously decided to cut ties with his current life after realising last Thursday that everything and everyone only served to remind him that he was an underpaid, overweight loser and that he thoroughly loathed America, particularly the Deep South in which Memphis is unfortunately located.

He said: "I've got some ideas. Once the sale is finished and confirmed, I'd like to do some travelling. I'd like to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and maybe jump off, and that's just one of a huge lot of things on my To Do list.

"I'm really jazzed about all this."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: life, eBay, Stupid, Loser

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