CNN and ABC News To Be Moved To Children's Channels

Funny story written by matwil

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

image for CNN and ABC News To Be Moved To Children's Channels
Soon to be CNN's audience

American news networks CNN and ABC News are to be moved to children's channels.

Kiddies TV channel spokesman Phil Smith said: 'Yes, we've bought up CNN to air at our prime time of 5 til 7, for the 10 to 14 year-olds. We're confident that such simple-to-understand news items will be popular with the children, though it may attract more of a 6 to 10 year-old audience.'

And GagaTV's head programme maker added: 'ABC News is perfect for our school audience, and as good as any cartoons. Their stories are hard to believe, they're full of ridiculous villains and heroes, and there's plenty of slapstick and dumb celebrity news to keep their attention.'

But one of CNN's reporters, Bob Woodward, said: 'I'm not sure that even children will believe our news, it's so ridiculously one-sided and biased. Like when Saddam was a good guy fighting the Iranians one day, then the same guy doing the same things was an evil monster of a dictator the next. OK, it might make for a good pre-school cartoon plot, not sure if it's for 14 years-olds, though.'

American news channels have long been laughed at by the rest of the English-speaking world, even ridiculed, for doing such things as make up nicknames for world-famous leaders, like 'Chemical' Ali, and 'Stormin' Norman' Schwarzkopf. But now the two major ones will have to increase the depth of their features, to appeal to school children, so this may prove hard work for them.

ABC News's lead presenter, Krusty O'Klown, said: 'Hey, kids! Woohoo! President Bush IS a grown-up, there IS a 'war on terror', Iraq had huge weapons that they were naughtily hiding, and Saudi Arabians are really nice people who never behead anyone.'

Bart Simpson will be CNN's main newsreader.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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