Opie Taylor Arrested For Murder

Funny story written by Fish

Sunday, 15 June 2008

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Jail For Opie

Mayberry NC--Opie Taylor was arraigned on first degree murder charges against Aunt Bea, 97. It was the first recorded murder in Mayberry's history. Mr. Taylor, 55, is charged with smothering the old woman with a pillow in the trailer they shared for the last 40 years. He could receive the death penalty.

Neighbors in Mayberry were not surprised by the arrest. Everyone in town knew that Opie was antisocial. His dad abandoned him a long time ago to become a lawyer. It left severe, emotional scars on Opie.

Gomer Pyle still works as a hairdresser at Laverne and Shirley's Hairstyling and was happy to gossip and dish all day about his lifelong crush, Opie Taylor.

"He was always getting into drugs as a teenager. Pot, acid, meth, Oxycontin, you name it. All the white-trash stuff. He never had a job. Just lived with that old maid Aunt Bea in a tiny trailer. Lived like that for decades. Weird. What a loser." lisped the ex-marine.

Sheriff Barney Fife Jr. had a different opinion on the crime. "That bastard smothered the old lady. That son-of-a-bitch. Everyone knew Aunt Bea was a lesbian too, not a nice thing to do to the old cow." said the sheriff.

Opie Taylor's estranged father will defend him. His father is the famous Atlanta attorney Ben Matlack. Mr. Matlack says his son is innocent and hopes to "get him back to Happy Days."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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