County clerk offices opened today to hundreds of gay couples with appointments to exchange vows, and thousands of divorcing straight couples exchanging blows, on the first full day that drive-thru nuptials became legal throughout California.
From San Diego to Eureka, couples readied their formal wear and loaded their guns while local licensing clerks expanded their staffs and installed bulletproof glass in their newly created drive-thru 'wedding windows'.
For whom the bells toll
Conservative groups warned of a backlash as the nation's most populous state prepared to join Massachusetts in sanctioning rapid-fire marital engagements and disengagements.
In San Francisco, a gay men's chorus was singing on the front steps, where a party atmosphere was lit up by rainbow flags and supporters handing out cupcakes to happy gay couples, blissfully unaware of the nation's dismal 50% marriage failure rate.
Helen Zia and Lea Shigemura sang "The Chapel of Love" as waited in the drive-thru lane of the city attorney's office to get married. The couple, clad in beige jackets and slacks, exchanged vows with Zia's mother in the back seat.
"This is the most meaningful day of my life. I've always wanted to get married on my lunch break," Shigemura said. "I just never thought it'd be possible."
You want fries with that?
Unlike Massachusetts, which legalized drive-thru marriage in 2004, California has no residency requirement for marriage licenses. Many couples are expected to head west to wed and probably order burgers and a side of fries with their marriage or divorce licenses.
Minors seeking marriage may waive parental permission if they opt for drive-thru nuptials and will each receive a complimentary age-appropriate sex toy with their Happy Honeymoon Meals.
The May 15 California Supreme Court ruling that overturned the state's bans on drive-thru banns became final at 5:01 p.m. Monday.
Already, dozens of same-sex couples have seized the opportunity to make their relationships official in the eyes of the law. They included UFP Captain Hikaru Sulu, who arrived with his partner, Mr. Spock, at West Hollywood City Hall on Tuesday morning to get their marriage license.
"Today we are here to give flesh and blood reality to the outcome of our pon farr ceremony last week. We are going to make history," said Sulu, while waiting in line with Mr. Spock in their late-model Mercedes shuttlecraft.
"Congratulations to all of us and may 'California quickie' wedding and divorce facilities live long and prosper."
A fly in the K-Y
The celebrations are tempered by the reality that in a few months, Californians will go to the ballot box to vote on an initiative that would overturn the high court ruling and again ban these drive-thrus, making all the hubbub kind of superfluous.
On Monday, three lawmakers and a small group of other whiny drive-thru opponents gathered outside the Capitol to criticize the Supreme Court decision. They urged voters to approve the ballot measure and boycott the drive-thrus.
"This is an opportunity to take back a little bit of dignity ... for kids, for Mickey Mouse, for the Terminator, for all of us in California," Republican Assemblyman Malfoy said.
"It really disturbs me that the will of pinheads was overridden by something as meaningless as the United States Supreme Court."
A UCLA study issued last week estimated that half of California's more than 100,000 same-sex couples will get married over the next three years, and 568,000 out-of-state couples will travel here to divest themselves of a loathed mate in the fastest and tastiest manner possible.
Cut-rate connubials
As an opening week offer, divorcing couples will get a 35% discount on fees if they bring a friend - either to marry afterwards or another couple set on freedom and/or homicide.
Across California, the drive-thru marital windows can be identified by what many hope will become a widely recognized symbol of what marriage means to Americans.
The twenty feet high poles outside civil service drive-thrus are topped by tasteful, flashing neon symbols of crossed handguns over a stack of $100 bills.
It is hoped that these elegant electric signs will be easily found by happy couples seeking wedlock no matter their state of inebriation. Early estimates indicate that drive-thru marital marts may double California clerking profits.
