Wayne Rooney and his new wife Coleen are at the centre of a huge health scare tonight, after it was announced that the unlucky pair have tested positive for Foot & Mouth disease.
The newly-wed couple had been enjoying their honeymoon on a pig farm in Portofino, Italy, when Mrs Rooney complained of feeling "giddy" after eating slop. The farmer was summoned, and, as a result, the bride was rushed into quarantine. Mr Rooney was also found to be suffering from the condition.
The Manchester United and England striker, has been widely criticised for his poor choice of spouse, but says that since they met in a chip shop in Liverpool twelve years ago, they have rarely been separated, and are "as happy as...er...pigs in shit".
The couple are expected to spend two days in the care of the local vet, before being given a mudbath and sent packing back to Greater Manchester, where Foot & Mouth is a local pastime.