DNC Meets To See If Crying Clinton Can Be Appeased

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Saturday, 31 May 2008


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"The Republicans were able to steal an election. Why can't we?" - Clinton Attorney Louis Cypher

(Washington D.C.) - The Democratic National Committee's Rules and Bylaws panel is meeting today in Washington to see if they can come to a resolution of the situation regarding the stripped delegates from Michigan and Florida, amidst calls by the Clinton campaign to "make sure that you follow the rules we like and discard the rules we do not like."

In a letter to the DNC, Clinton attorney Louis Cypher called on the organization to enforce the rules that most benefit Clinton and "make sure that all the votes we tell you to count (and only the votes we tell you to count) are counted. Every vote counts. Or at least every vote for Clinton counts. Or at least they count now, despite what we said back in November. That was then, this is now, and it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind."

After meeting in private for five hours Friday night, the panel emerged with no consensus on how to handle the delegates from the two states that have not been counted after an earlier DNC ruling stripped them of their delegates for holding their primaries too early. Literally tens of psychotic Clinton supporters gathered outside the Marriot Wardman Park Hotel, the site of the meeting, with signs that read, "Count our Florida Votes" and "Rules Is For Pussies and Obama People."

Some protesters appeared confused over exactly what issues were at stake.

"We know Al Gore really won, and we want the DNC to make sure that he is the next president," said Max Catterwaul, an elderly Clinton/Gore supporter who still thought it was the year 2000 and that the DNC was dealing with the butterfly ballot problems from that election.

Clinton attorney Cypher, spouting fire and brimstone and carrying a pitchfork, said his letter to the Rules panel was meant to "ensure the fairness of the process is tilted towards Senator Clinton, while making certain all possible hypocrisy was used in order to really screw over Barack."

Not surprisingly, the Obama camp disagreed. Responding to Cypher's letter, Obama campaign manager David Plouffe (his real name!!) eschewed a long-winded and overly complicated explanation of Senator Obama's position by issuing a short statement that simply said, "Piss on Hillary's bullshit. Her attorney is nothing more than Satan's lapdog."

The decision will be vital to Senator Clinton's continued efforts to drag the primary process down the toilet and fracture the Democratic Party. Additionally, should the votes be apportioned in Clinton's favor, it would ensure that she ends up losing the nomination by fewer votes and make her feel a whole lot better about herself.

"Senator Clinton's going to lose this sucker," said Cypher. "Ok, we know that. But a partial and biased ruling in her favor by the DNC would allow her to lose with . . . well, not dignity exactly, but with some measure of deluded self respect for losing by less than she is now. If you had nothing to go home to but some priapic jag-off of a husband who ends every day by singing, "I was president and you ain't gonna be, nanny-nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo," you would be fighting for every vote, too."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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