(Little Rock, Ark.) While participating in a revolutionary new form of grass roots fundraising designed by her financially strapped campaign to reach out to previously untapped donors, Senator Hillary Clinton today announced further criteria that she says justifies her prolonging her future failed campaign for the Democratic Presidential Nomination.
Expanding on her previous comments that alluded to a potential Barack Obama assassination as being a prime reason for needing to stay in the race through at least June, the junior Senator from New York has now added a list of other potential pitfalls Senator Obama may encounter that would necessitate an able bodied female candidate with a wide variety of pantsuits being still active and available to assume the Democratic nomination.
Speaking from a bar in Little Rock where she was doing body shots with members of the local VFW during a $7.95-a-plate fundraising chicken liver dinner, Senator Clinton clarified and expanded upon her earlier remarks on Robert Kennedy and Senator Obama.
"Certainly getting shot in the head would require that at least one woman still be left campaigning in order to capture the momentum that such a tragic event would bring to the new Democratic nominee," said the Senator while licking salt and tequila from a pool of it that had settled into a sixteen inch scar decorating the belly of Max Catterwaul, a Korean War veteran and great grandfather of twelve, "but there are other things that could also incapacitate Senator Obama and put the nomination back up for grabs. He could contract a debilitating illness that would make him unfit to assume the nomination. He could get ass cancer, for goodness sakes. How'd you like a president with ass cancer? When the phone rings at 3 am, do you want your president stuck in the john with a handful of bloody tissue paper and no way to reach the phone?"
After passing the tequila bottle to an aide who looked surprisingly like Mickey Rourke, Senator Clinton turned serious.
"Look, no one likes to mention it, but what about if he gets syphilis? Have you seen Mrs. Evers' Boys? I have, and let me tell you it's no picnic. It affects your mind, boy-o."
At that, Senator Clinton began to tear up slightly.
"While thankfully that terrible scourge on the African American community hasn't been a problem for at least a dozen years or more, it could pop up again. You never know."
Smiling, Senator Clinton went on, "In that unfortunate and tragic event, how would I have let the people down if I had abandoned my campaign and gone to live in a remote commune in Bangladesh where there are no phones and no roads and no air space, as so many, many, many, many, many, many people are trying to force me to do? There would be no way to communicate with me for months if I did what all these people, mostly men, want me to do. By the time a mule could get through with the news, I'd only have time to get back for President McCain's inauguration. And then where would the country be?"
Knocking back a few stiff belts of 20/20 given to her by an elderly member of the local paper clip manufacture's union, and wiping her mouth with the sleeve of her stylish Donna Karen gold lame suit, Senator Clinton concluded, "It's all about the people, stupid. I gots to be here to protects my peoples. This isn't about me. This is about America and Americans. They deserve to have someone here waiting for that opportunistic moment when lightening strikes. Otherwise we are all just jerking off."
With that, Senator Clinton turned back to the attendees of her dinner, ripped off her black Karl Lagerfeld Irie Silk Blouse, poured tequila over her Victoria Secret Intimissimi Golden Shimmer lightly lined balconet bra and screamed out, "Momma's turn, boys. Let's see if we can raise enough money tonight to paint the White House red," before briefly turning back to this reporter one last time and slurring faintly, "And goiters. Don't forget about goiters. Them things explode and make a hell of a mess. Chester A. Arthur got a goiter on his neck that exploded and nearly made him quit in the fall of 1880. That's a fact. Or it might be fact. But whatever."
As Max Catterwaul leaned over her to repay his favor, Senator Clinton closed her eyes and said dreamily, "I'll be there if Barack gets a goiter from hell. You never know."
Whether or not Senator Obama gets shot, syph, or an exploding goiter from hell, there is one thing of which there can be no doubt here in Little Rock. Senator Clinton's innovative fund raising technique was received by an audience of enthusiastic supporters who found her charms irresistible. A beaming and wet faced Max Catterwaul summed it up by saying, "Am I glad she's still in the race? Hell, we're sure glad she's here with us now and ready to prove she will do whatever it takes to win. I just wish I had some more singles. Can you break a twenty?"