Yes, today we can give readers an exclusive idea of what life is really like for Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton, American Presidential candidate. And so here is a summary of a typical day's schedule for her.
07:00 - wake up alone.
07:01 - drink 8 espresso coffees.
07:15 - put make-up on.
09:15 - practice pulling faces in the bathroom mirror.
09:45 - check Swiss bank account investments online.
10:00 - throw darts at photo of Barack Obama, pinned to the dartboard.
10:15 - change pic to one of husband.
10:20 - replace that with one of Monica Lewinsky.
10:30 - fantasise about Monica.
10:45 - take deep breath and leave house, avoiding any colored folks, as this is the South.
10:50 - nearly take public transport like most Democrat voters, but realise this is mad, and get into hired Limousine.
11:00 - make uninteresting speech on TV, with no policies or practical ideas, but full of smiles and waving, like a children's party organiser.
12:00 - have another 8 espressos.
12:02 - sack speech writer, again.
12:04 - daydream of being a beautiful babe, like Condi is.
12:20 - dream of getting a divorce.
12:30 - remember a Senator should be in the Senate.
12:32 - wonder who John McCain is, and why he looks like Frank Sinatra.
13:00 - fall asleep.
14:00 - wake up, and make lots of shrieking noises to the background of Wagner.
15:00 - twiddle the thumbs.
16:00 - put on a treble at Arlington, at combined odds of 331-1, which loses.
18:00 - get phone call from Bill. 'How's it goin', honey? Divorce papers are all ready.' 'Get lost', Hillary answers, 'but thanks for your name.'
18:05 - sit and watch soap operas.
20:00 - realise a Presidential candidate should know something about the news, so switch over to The Simpsons.
21:00 - have a large Bacardi and Pepsi.
22:00 - take the bottle to bed.
23:00 - start snoring.
