Written by Ed E. Druckman

Thursday, 24 January 2008

image for Romney Holiday Card Gets Bin-Laden & Hefner Endorsement
A future prospect?

(Columbia-S.C.) As if the "Donny & Marie" show wasn't enough of an obstacle to overcome, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt "Don't I Look like one of the extras from "Mad Men", be honest?" Romney now has to contend with an allegedly false holiday card sent to South Carolina Republicans. The card cites controversial passages from the "Book of Mormon" and was supposedly sent by the "Boston Massachusetts Temple." And now both Playboy's Hugh Heffner and the "Where's Waldo of Terror" Osama Bin-Laden have given Romney endorsements because of it.

Bin-Laden's thumbs up came late yesterday in the form of an audiotape sent to Al Arabia. "I have seen the card of the one called Romney, and it reads that he advocates many wives. I believe that I have found a man with whom I can discourse. I also am pleased that he bears a resemblance to American advertising executives from the 1960s. Praise Allah." Poster Octogenarian for Viagra Hugh Hefner was more direct, "A man who says it's okay to have more than one wife, now that's what I call a domestic policy."

Amidst these endorsements the question remains of, "Is it real?" Boston Temple leader Ken Hutchins denies the mailing by a statement posted on the temple's web site. "I'd really like to see someone get to the bottom of this, because we are as guilty of sending out that mailing as Roger Clemens is of taking steroids. After all, we have enough to contend with dealing with Chloe Sevigny's catatonic acting in "Big Love".

However, the Romney campaign is in the middle of a political Rubik's cube as was summarized by CBS Senior Analyst Jeff Greenfield. "If the mailing is actual, the Bin-Laden offer presents a coup for the Romney camp to use in winning the War On Terror. But if it's a fake, the offer goes away. And I don't think Romney can just trade on his resemblance to a "Mad Men" extra with Bin-Laden." When asked about the Hefner endorsement loss, Greenfield simply said: "Is he still alive?"

This dilemma was evidenced by a statement at a recent press conference held by Warren Tompkins, Romney's top consultant in South Carolina. "Mitt Romney is a Mormon. This card was sent out by a Mormon. Does that mean it represents the views of Mitt Romney? But if this card was not sent out by a Mormon, Mitt Romney is still a Mormon. I think that makes our position very clear."

In a related note, a reaction from fellow Republican Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani is still pending an Amber alert to find him. He was last seen somewhere in Florida.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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