Supreme Court revises Miranda Warning

Funny story written by websmuggler

Sunday, 30 December 2007

image for Supreme Court revises Miranda Warning
The Supreme Court, which Republicans accuse of "legislating from the bench" whenever it makes a ruling they don't like.

The U.S. Supreme Court has made the first major update of Miranda vs. Arizona, the landmark 1963 case which required police to "read the rights" to all those they arrest.

"It's time to bring Miranda into the 21st century" said Chief Justice John Roberts. "First off, this court rules that police don't have to give the Miranda warning to anyone anymore, since we've all heard it about a gazillion times on TV cop shows anyway."

"Also, that first part about 'You have the right to remain silent' discriminates against deaf-mutes, mimes and Harpo Marx, who don't have exactly the right but rather the obligation to remain silent. And discrimination is wrong. At least that's what justices Ginsberg, Kennedy and Stevens keep whining, so maybe they'll be happy now!"

"So that's out. The next part, which says something like 'Anything we can beat out of you, we can use against you' - I guess we can keep that in."

"And to the last part 'If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at no charge' we've added: '...and any lawyer you get for no charge, we guaran-fucking-tee you, will suck so bad he'll get you sentenced to death even for jaywalking, especially if you're in Texas - why the fuck else would he be FREE?' We're just trying to be honest here, folks!"

Thus was the court about to rule when Justice Scalia made the shocking discovery that the "Miranda" in "Miranda vs. Arizona" was not rapist-murderer Ernesto Miranda, as long thought, but instead Brazilian singer-dancer Carmen Miranda. This threw the Supreme Court into a turmoil. After much deliberation behind closed doors, the nine justices finally revealed the new and heavily-revised "Carmen Miranda Warning":

"You have the right to sing and dance.

Any singing and dancing you do may be held against you.

You have the right to wear a hat made of fruit.

If you so desire and cannot afford a hat made of fruit, one will be provided to you at no charge prior to any singing and dancing."

Justice Scalia, in announcing the ruling, admitted: "Carmen died in 1955, so only we old-timers get the references. You younger people - I guess you could Google her."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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