Top officials of leading spy agencies, including the CIA, MI-6 and Israeli Mossad, met in London recently to discuss why their undercover agents are getting killed in record numbers. The conclusion: spies who "Think spying is just like it is in the movies".
British Defence Minister Des Browne explained: "They all think they're some sort of James Bond or whatnot, when any spy who acted like that in real life would be dead inside of a day. And guess what? They are."
Experts say the spies' main problem is sex addiction. All male spies seem to have the delusion that women find them irresistable, when in fact those women don't find them even particularly tolerable. As a result those spies experience what the psychiatric literature calls "satyriasis" or "They can't keep it in their pants". Treatments include intervenous injections of saltpeter and even a surgical procedure apparently called "crustacean" by mumbling doctors, though what good shellfish would do for the problem is unclear.
But obviously the treatments are not effective. Browne cites one tragic example: "We sent one agent to steal North Korean missile plans, and he just shags every tart in sight. The man thinks with his cock! Or rather, THOUGHT. North Korean intelligence spotted him from a mile off and made sure the tarts he shagged included one of their own sex decoys. He was found dead with a bullet hole through his head and his pants around his ankles. And, big surprise, no missile plans."
CIA Director Michael Hayden nodded, either because he agreed or because he was falling asleep: "You think you've got problems? We've got one spy who's such a cockmeister, he must think he's Bill Clinton! Finally I ordered him into rehab for sex addiction, but it didn't take. Soon as he got on-station, nonstop fuckfest. Needless to say, his work suffered. How much? Put it this way: In 2003, he was the one who told us Iraq had WMDs and was behind 9/11. We're still trying to clean up the mess from THAT, I can tell you."
Besides their cock-thinking, many spies don't take seriously the dangers of their occupation, again influenced by the movies. Browne cited one typical spy who not only used his real name but also his "double-0" number, and said to one and all, "I'm a spy, you know!"
"I warned him about the foolishness of all that. He just said, 'No worries, chief. Even if I'm captured, the villain will just suspend me over a vat of acid, and lower me slowly enough that I've time to talk him out of it by making him think I'm defecting to his side, and later I'll blow up his headquarters!' Actually, the villain shot him in the back of the head as he slept. No great loss there - Christ, what a daft bloody wanker."
Also, affirmative action spy-hiring policies, and the attendant lowered standards, have resulted in a generation of intelligence agents who aren't, well, intelligent. Mossad boss Sol Cohenbergsteinowitz recalled "I instructed one new spy, 'Here's a cyanide pill. It will cause unconsciousness and death in 20 seconds. Use it if you're captured by the enemy. Any questions?' He said, 'Just one, chief. How do I get the enemy to swallow it?' Absolutely hopeless."
Sol cited another Mossad agent in Vienna who let enemy spies set a nuclear time bomb to detonate in 5 minutes. His apparent plan was to disarm it when the timer had one second left. After wasting 3 of those minutes rounding up some blonde bimbo with a bra size exceeding her IQ to "help" him at this task, he then spent another 1:59 loudly debating whether to cut the green or red wire first. Finally, at 1 second left he cut the green, and the bomb went off anyway because it was fitted with a tamper-destruct device. They almost all are.
"For what it's worth, he never knew it. Neither did the bimbo. Too bad about the population of Vienna, though."
Hayden nodded again: "One of our spies went on assignment to Thailand and promptly shot and killed a local who looked suspicious and was following him. Turns out that local was just the Thai spy sent to greet him at the airport and drive him to their headquarters. Our guy is now awaiting execution over there despite his 'License to Kill'. The Thais seem to consider what he did 'murder'."
So what can be done to solve the problem of sex-addicted, stupid, incompetent spies? Sadly, the experts agree, nothing.
Therefore, they conclude, the only hope is to "level the playing field" by also getting real-life villains to act as stupidly as movie villains. Thus they can be easily identified and assassinated before they can do any harm. Some measures include having villains:
- Use absurd, obviously villainous names like: Doctor No, Lawyer Maybe, Professor Sinister, Ms. Anthrope, Sheik Hymie Feldstein of Arabia, Orgasmo, Captain Nukem Goodand-Harde, Count Barfino Vomitelli, AluminumToe and ThunderAss.
- Speak in an outrageous German or Russian accent, while claiming to be a native of Britain.
- Have facial deformities, wear a Nehru jacket, laugh maniacally and sit on an oversized black leather chair while stroking a cat.
- Upon capturing a spy, never kill him but instead threaten him with a deathtrap so ridiculously slow and painless that said spy has plenty of time to talk said villain out of killing him in the first place. Thus ensuring the spy will later blow up the villain's headquarters and/or kill the villain, unless said villain is needed for a sequel.
- Speaking of Villains' Headquarters, they should be located in as impractical a location as possible, such as on a space station, inside a dormant volcano, a submarine, an oil platform, atop the Matterhorn or on the moon.
- Waste so much time bragging about how they're about to conquer and/or destroy the world, that they never get around to actually DOING it before they themselves get killed or have their headquarters blown up.