Arrest Warrants Issued for Franklin, Jefferson, Madison, and Ron Paul

Funny story written by Helena Handbasket

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

image for Arrest Warrants Issued for Franklin, Jefferson, Madison, and Ron Paul
Justice officials warn: frivolous arguments in this document promise liberty, but its followers are instead routinely jailed.

17 Sep 87, PHILADELPHIA, PA, UK-- A ragtag think-tank of paramilitary extremists, mostly libertarians and palaeoconservatives, released a rambling policy document today that they call the "Constitution for the United States of America". King George "W" III, calling the report "just a God-damned piece of paper", signed executive orders authorizing his Ministry of Justice to arrest the authors. Prime Minister Willard "Pitt" Romney, a neoconservative, dismissed the perpetrators' announcement, telling the press, "Nothing of importance happened today".

The confusing four-page screed against government abuses, thrown regardless into the unregulated airwaves, took fifty men half a year to write. The authors railed against what they perceive as executive tyranny from George III, incomprehensible multiplicity of laws from two bumbling Houses of legislators, and the lawless activism of an unelected, unaccountable black-robed cabal of Lords. Only years ago the cabal swept both King George III and his then-attorney, "Pitt" Romney, into their current positions of popularity, during the massive legal wrangling following the hotly contested Election of 1784.

Ben Franklin, an overweight nudist with a cult following among the "patriots", is unequivocally against the current monarchy system, which has been popularly successful for many years and which has given such scintillescent leaders as George "HW" II and the once-and-future William "Bill" IV, as well as George III. Franklin, aka Benjamin Franqulin, argues for overturning George III in favour of a "republican" form of government; but we the people appear unlikely to "keep" up with such an archaic system.

Ever since Franklin developed his bizarre federal and economic theories while an ambassador to Austria, one of his strongest followers has been Captain Ron Paul Jones. Capt. Jones, formerly known as just "Ron Paul" until his massive volunteer base unofficially encouraged him to adopt the "Ron Paul Jones" motto as his own, has remained essentially unknown to established landline media. However, he has had a huge following in the World Wide Waves, where his command of the new and unexplored field of naval technology campaigns has proven superior to the homeland security force of George III, Pitt, and their cronies.

Ron Paul Jones, known as "#1 on the Waves" by his followers, appears as a vicious pirate in the Times and other reliable media. They portray Capt. Jones as commanding an uncountable navy of cheating renegades and discontents, who roam on the WWW from site to site, looking for innocent, unsecured polls to ravage and deflower. The captain consistently wins head-to-head battles against all comers, and in a recent debate, he succeeded in ramming and boarding HMS Military Honour, commanded by Col. Huckabee. When taunted that he had surrendered the field of war, Jones responded notably to the establishment British commander with the sound bite, "We have not yet begun to fight terrorism!" and succeeded in charging Huckabee with over 5,000 casualties.

Ron Paul Jones, and his mentors Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison, weave several frivolous arguments through their "Constitution".

  • They argue for the efficacy of an unheard-of concept, a "gold standard", while it is well-known that Prime Minister Pitt believes the Bank of England should be unrestrained in issuing fiat banknotes at whim as the only legal tender.
  • They affirm the sovereignty of both their nation and its individual states, while George III insists that the American experiment must be kept subservient to the Empire of united nations on which the sun never sets.
  • They insist on non-intervention in foreign affairs, while George III has worked tirelessly to send thousands of his troops across the Atlantic, often to their deaths. Even though he proclaimed "Mission Accomplished" at the Treaty of Paris, he refuses to let go of the occupied territory because of the risk of internal warfare among the thirteen recognizable American subgroups, with many incompatible fundamentalist sects.
  • The extremist authors also are known gun nuts and wish to have unregistered assault weapons in every home-- accessible even to mere children under 21-- instead of George III's very sound policy of appointing officers to confiscate military-style weapons and ammunition, especially those found in or near schoolhouses, which are treated as arsenals by the rebels.
  • Further, the extremists reject all taxes placed directly upon the people or indirectly upon their labour, even while capitation taxes remain a popular method of support for George III's internal revenue offices.
  • The extremists insist that personal liberty trumps the government's necessity, but George III has recently authorized executive orders permitting summary arrest of anyone who interferes with his peacekeeping activities in any way.

Prime Minister Pitt opined that there is nothing wrong with the current monarchy and expects a future seamless transition to William IV and his duly ordained Queen, who is likely to seize domestic control while William continues to dally with the various united nations and produce illegitimate children. Under such a change of administration, "Pitt" remains open to leading the Opposition.

Attorneys for George III, including Pitt, advise that Ron Paul Jones and his co-conspirators are known right-wing tax protestors and refuse to comply with internal revenue laws, including those demanding customs and duties from their traffic on the Waves. In 1773, these tax rebels, while pretending merely to request American Indian reparations, were responsible for notable acts of vandalism directed against internal revenue offices in Boston Harbour, MA, UK, for which they are still under pursuit. The Crown also adjures us to turn in illegal contraband such as gold and guns in favour of banknotes and transportation security, both backed by the full faith and credit of the government. Pitt argued that we the people need not exert ourselves against the wisdom of their elected and unelected leaders, and affirmed, "Government of the people, by the monarch, and for the monarch, shall not perish from the earth."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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