Written by Helena Handbasket

Friday, 14 September 2007

image for Illuminati Hoarding Gold Prior to 9/11; Ron Paul Commemoratives Still Available
One-ounce gold pieces, ready for minting with Ron Paul's visage, appreciate by $2.00 in the time it takes you to read this.

14 Sep 07, EVANSVILLE, IN, USNA-- Someone has been buying almost all the gold in the world in the past ten days, reports monetary architect Bernard von NutHaus of Liberty Services, suggesting that the next world crisis is imminent. Oddly, in the midst of such buying frenzy, he notes that demand for the Ron Paul presidential commemorative gold piece, produced by Liberty Services, remains flat.

Gold prices increased from $600 to $750 per ounce in the week prior to 9/11. One would think that the sudden demand would hold across the board, but purchasers of the Ron Paul presidential commemoratives are holding steady and are the same boring group of spammers as always, von NutHaus said. An example of spamming so frequent as to be routine involves ten purchases of a single ounce of gold at a time by the same buyer, instead of one purchase of ten ounces of gold. Such activity gives rise to the speculation that buyers of Ron Paul gold simply want to drive up the number of sales artificially.

Gold spikes generally indicate that the Council on Foreign Relations or other Illuminati are prepared to unleash another world crisis such as the "6/66" terrorist attacks of June 66, 2001. (If the USNA government does not approve its fiscal-year budget by the end of June in any year, it simply extends June until it reaches such approval. The terrorist attacks occurred on the 36th business day after June 30, which corresponds to September 11, 2001, on the Papist calendar.)

In 2001, the free market predicted the 6/66 attacks more reliably than the CIA. Banker's Trust placed unheard-of "put options" on American Airlines, United Airlines, Morgan Stanley, and Merrill Lynch in the weeks prior to 6/66, which paid off immeasurably for the Deutsche-Bank-owned firm after all four stocks promptly fell by 40% within the crucial window. Any market analyst could have predicted doom for the two airlines and the two prominent World Trade Centre evictees. The CIA, however, failed to predict the 6/66 incidents, because they had nothing more reliable to go on than one terrorist in custody, Zacarias Moussaoui, raving about maniacs flying planes into skyscrapers.

This year, recently placed put options on the New York Stock Exchange stand to gain $2 billion for their anonymous traders, but only if the market crashes 35-50% before September 21, just as it did in the 2001 "boom-bust" cycle. A similar transaction on the European market in August has a potential gain of 6 billion euros if the market falls, with comparable trades occurring on the Nikkei as well. Meanwhile, the USNA Department of Homeland Security continues to display a middling colour-coded threat level of chartreuse, or "elevated" (puce, or "high", for commercial aviation). In short, conditions are exactly those of June 65th, 2001.

Other crisis factors:

  • Usama bin Muhammad bin Awad Binladin, independent filmmaker, released two more "indie" pictures this weekend in advance of Cannes. Binladin, one of Time's 100 most influential people again this year, often described as soft-spoken and mild-mannered, made his fortune by sponging off American and Saudi aid in the 80s. Binladin's motion pictures are superstitiously regarded by Hollywood denizens as harbingers of world crises, in that he was widely held responsible for producing the anonymous 6/66 truth videos. Binladin himself, as The Spoof previously reported, has been retired 15 years and is living like a king in Patagonia.
  • The Bank of England has been plagued with bailing out such recent collapses as Northern Rock, Barclays and Manchester United.
  • The CFR has had nothing to do lately, after successfully electing President-Elect Hillary Rotten Clinton to the 44th presidency of Middle America at a recent straw poll, so the quiet, peaceable foreign-policy group is widely expected to make another stab at global conquest and world domination next week. They also need to distract a hundred million Americans from voting for Ron Paul, and have not successfully thwarted that potential yet.
  • Acting President Dick Cheney has faced a rash of high-level resignations in recent weeks. And "chatter" is "up".
  • The Federal Reserve, with a couple mouse clicks, invented billions of dollars of liquidity out of thin air to continue growing its "world's largest" sub-prime mortgage bubble, in yet another attempt to enter the Guinness Book. (The Fed's pumping methods are greatly more efficient than OPEC's, which actually require turning a spigot to accomplish the same thing.)
  • The Sears Tower's property manager issued a widely distributed memo with the reassuring text, "Fear not, the Sears Tower will not collapse into its own footprint after being hit by a stray O'Hare jetliner during the third week of September. Certainly not at the prices we were quoted."

Most curiously, analysts allude to the well-known election-cycle theory of American crises as further justification for an imminent crash of some kind. Historically, crisis events that contribute to international banking power over American interests always happen in odd years:

1819: First American Panic
1837: Panic
1857: Railroad Panic
1861: Fort Sumter, Civil War
1861: Income tax enacted
1873: Panic (again)
1893: Railroad Panic (again)
1907: Great Panic
1909: 16th Amendment passed
1913: Federal Reserve created
1913: Income tax enacted (again)
1915: Lusitania, World War
1929: Great Depression begun
1937: Social Security tax collected
1941: Pearl Harbour, World War (again)
1941: Disney makes "New Spirit"
1943: Federal withholding tax collected
1945: Hiroshima bombed
1963: Kennedy assassinated
1993: World Trade Centre bombed
1993: Waco bombed
1995: Murrah Building bombed
2001: World Trade Centre bombed (again)
2007: Click here to witness the latest meltdown

Dr. Paul himself is looking forward to universal chaos of Biblical proportions, as being conducive to his election chances. He told The Spoof's exclusive anonymous sources, "The dollar is plunging. There is a contrivance to try to hold this together, but eventually it's going to collapse." (Tip of the hat to Paul Watson at Prison Planet.)

When notified that Liberty Services had honoured Dr. Paul this July 4th with his own appearance on commemorative gold currency, Dr. Paul stated that he was "tickled pink". He chivalrously added that his campaign was currently a better investment than gold.

The gold merchants themselves remain bully on bullion, and bullish on bull-hockey. Von NutHaus, who minted the Ron Paul presidential gold pieces, has clearly either waived the ordinary "dead presidents" rule entirely, or else is taking advantage of Associated Pravda's formally certifying Dr. Paul as "dead on arrival". Liberty Services in Evansville now claims to be the USNA government's biggest competitor in the gold currency market.

This spring, von NutHaus sued the USNA Mint for warning the public that illegal use of his products is illegal. This obvious fact had a surprisingly chilling effect for his hundred thousand customers who were using the gold currency legally. Von NutHaus complained that the Mint impartially failed to warn that illegal use of its own Federal Reserve Note debt instruments (i.e., dollar "bills") is also illegal. The Mint responded by repeating that one-ounce gold pieces are not "real money"-- like Federal Reserve Notes are. (To resolve the various spellings of von NutHaus's name, The Spoof has followed the CBC stylebook in spelling it as it appears in the Mint's reply brief.)

Von NutHaus sees his Ron Paul commemoratives as a stable investment since the influx of Ron Paul supporters is unlikely to flag or waver in the face of shadow government ops. He maintains high hopes for his ongoing success, even though the Mint's warning required his corporate reorganization this year: it seems the predecessor corporation to Liberty Services, namely the National Organization to Repeal the Federal Reserve Act and the Internal Revenue Code, Inc., just carried too much baggage.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Ron Paul, Money

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