Dick Cheney Accidentally Shoots Britney Spears

Funny story written by Ed E. Druckman

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

(Washington, D.C.) Dick Cheney seems to have his eye on bigger game than long time Republican supporters like Harry Whittington, an alleged 911 call from the Cheney household late last evening claimed that the Vice President, while Tivo-ing a Britney Spears' concert, capped the "I wipe my hands on designer gowns so what" siren right in the head with an accidental discharge.

An unidentified female voice on the 911 tape is heard to be saying: "Holy (expletive deleted), you've got to get an ambulance over here. He was just watching that Britney Spears on ET again and his gun went off." Sources are still unable to determine what gun it was. If it was, in fact, the same .28 gauge that peppered Whittington, why would an ambulance be called? And if it was another Cheney gun…well. Rumors of the Secret Service impounding the Tivo and that it revealed the exact footage as a 2002 concert in which Spears is sporting body oil, leather hip hugger chaps and a snake around her neck have yet to be confirmed. However, confirmation may narrow down the exact gun.

Cheney continues to deny shooting Spears with any gun. In a statement released earlier, he states, "the 911 call was not due to me discharging my gun in Britney Spears' hair, I mean head. I'm not in the habit of shooting TVs, only Republicans. My gun didn't go off."

However, the 911 call has cast some doubt on that. At one point in the tape the female voice is heard to say, "(inaudible)…and if you think I'm going to clean THAT off of that screen, you're crazy." Cheney maintains that "this comment was regarding a vicious sneeze of mine, an allergic reaction to tuna."

Asked for her reaction about the incident, Spears was flattered, surprised and unusually coherent. "Who would think that the Vice President of the United States would even think of me, much less use me for target practice." When further asked what she would say to the Vice President if she had the opportunity, Spears said, "Well, I would tell him that it's not really good to play with your gun in front of the TV; and if you just have to and you don't want it to go off, try and think of something ugly, like Lindsay Lohan."

FUN FACT:Dick Cheney is the only Vice President to have taken a shot at both a fellow party member and a pop star in the same term.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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