Presidential Candidates Release Much Awaited Health Care Proposals

Funny story written by Emiliano Antunez

Thursday, 31 May 2007

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Next Surgeon General?

Yesterday several US presidential candidates released their plans to cure the nation's sick healthcare system. For decades politicians have grappled with the health care issue with few positive results, the proposals by the current crop of candidates show lots of potential and promise.

Senator Barack Obama introduced the "Cyanide Plan" which he says "will greatly curtail pain and suffering" and save taxpayers billions. The plan consists of prescribing a cyanide capsule to everyone who gets sick. The stock market reacted to this announcement as stock prices for funeral home and cemetery stocks broke all previous records.

Asked to comment on the "Cyanide Plan" Senator Hillary Clinton scoffed and called it amateurish, she reminded us that she led the charge on healthcare in 1994. Senator Clinton refers to her plan as the "Surgical Strike Plan" , taking a page out of Bill's presidency Hillary would herd all sick people into abandoned buildings and strike them with Tomahawk Cruise Missiles "this would not only save healthcare dollars, but would double as a military exercise saving defense dollars as well."

Not to be outdone John Edwards announced his own plan which he refers to as "Looking Good" in which sick folks would be given a months supply of beauty products and treated to a day in a salon. Asked how exactly his plan would help sick people, Edwards quipped "it's not about how you feel its how you look."

Mitt Romney accused the Democrats of being big spenders. He proposed to cut the cyanide capsules in half, calling his plan "Share Because You Care". Wrapping himself in the Reagan mantle Romney remarked "Democrats know nothing about efficiency, there's nothing they can do that I can't do for less."

Former New York Mayor Rudoplh Guiliani calls his plan the "Homeland Healthcare Plan", which would give every sick person an ID card then send them to a landmark building that would be struck by a plane as he stood nearby. "I don't know exactly what it would do as far as improving healthcare, but I can only imagine what it would do for my poll numbers."

John McCain said he had not worked on a plan since his poll numbers show that "very few sick people actually vote." Tom Tancredo said that "all sick people are probably illegal immigrants" and proposed shipping the sick to Mexico "for a dose of Montezuma's revenge."

We didn't bother to interview Congressman Ron Paul on this issue, besides what would he know he's only a doctor.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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