After months of careful discussion, two PowerPoint presentations, and a shit ton of calendar coordination, local couple Megan and Tyler Henson announced they were opening their relationship to outside members. The announcement was made in a shared Google Doc titled "Strategic Intimacy Expansion Initiative, which auto-corrected “intimacy” to “inventory” fourteen times before launch.
“We just felt there was room to scale,” said Tyler, gesturing toward a vision board containing stock photos of smiling strangers and several arrows pointing in no direction, including one labeled "Synergy???" that appeared to be rotating slowly.
The couple spent weeks developing a recruitment pipeline that included a mission statement, behavioral expectations, and a twelve-slide onboarding deck outlining “core values,” “communication synergies,” and a modest snack consisting primarily of hummus no one claimed to like.
Applicants were asked to submit résumés highlighting emotional availability, weekend flexibility, favorite positions, and experience with group texts. In addition, three personal references were required, along with participation in a panel-style meet-and-greet moderated by Megan’s Pilates instructor, who spent the first eight minutes asking candidates to “set an intention for shared oxygen.”
Within hours, interest surged to four applicants, two of whom were bots and one who believed the posting was for a brainstorming collective located inside a converted shipping container. The remaining candidate withdrew after receiving a calendar invite titled "Q3 Intimacy Alignment Sync," which included a pre-read document and optional breakout rooms.
“We remain optimistic,” Megan said, refreshing an empty inbox with the strained cheer of someone checking lottery numbers while sitting in a waiting room. “These things take time. Rome wasn’t polyamorous in a day.”
Relationship analysts say the lack-of-interest phenomenon is common among couples attempting to apply workplace frameworks to emotional life.
“They’re treating romance like a startup,” said sociologist Dana Kravitz. “Unfortunately, most people do not want to join a startup that already feels like it pivoted three times and still smells faintly of failure and a lavender candle.”
Despite the slow rollout, the Hensons remain committed to the initiative. A follow-up email thanked applicants for their “continued interest,” invited them to subscribe to a quarterly newsletter, and included a survey asking why they had never existed.
At press time, the couple had pivoted to describing themselves as “accepting of new energy,” which sources confirmed was easier to explain and far less embarrassing than maintaining a Trello board labeled Potential Lovers (Active Pipeline), where cards continued to move themselves to Deferred overnight.
