BILLINGSGATE POST: North Caroline football coach Bill Belichick and Jordon Hudson, the dudes 24 years old squeeze, have decided to call it quits at UNC and move to a small village in Nebraska with the unlikely name of Beaver Crossing.
In a story that just broke with Sports Illustrated, the 74 years old former coach of the New England Patriots, who came out of retirement to take the rebuilding job at the University of North Carolina, said it was time to call it quits.
Appparently sanguine with his decision, he came out of Athletic Director Bubba Cunningham’s office humming:
“Rack up the balls, boy.
Put away the cues.
Father Time is on his way,
And he ain’t gonna lose.”
The Tar Heels are 2-5 and rank 126th nationally in scoring offense. When a school hires a six- time Super Bowl winning coach and signs him to a five-year, $50 million deal, it expects results. Evidently, Belichick became tired of the constant chatter about his dismal record and the raised eyebrows whenever he was seen with his young squeeze.
“Me and Jordan want to get out of the spotlight and move to somewhere that nobody knows us and has no football team. We’re here to announce we have found that place. Yep! We bought an old farmhouse in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, and we intend to raise a few sheep, and Jordan can join a knitting circle and watch me grow older.”
According to Elmer Smuckmeister, Bill and Jordon will enjoy themselves in Beaver Crossing, especially on Saturday night, when they have the motorized BarcaLounger races down the Main Street. Smuckmeister, who maybe likes his sheep too much, and is the town’s de facto mayor, said that he will make sure Bill and Jordon don’t regret their move to Beaver Crossing.
Dr. Slim: “Can’t think of a better place to retire. He will fit in well.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Not too late for him to find a new job. Perhaps he could sell Life Insurance.”
