BILLINGSGATE POST: As unlikely as it might appear to the casual observer, long shot J.D. Vance was picked as the running mate to Donald Trump over the obvious choice, Dr. Viscount Billingsgate.
Ironically, while J.D. Vance has amazing credentials; Marine veteran, graduating from Ohio State in two years, law degree from Yale University, author of best seller, Hillbilly Elegy, successful venture capitalist and Senator from Ohio, it hardly compares with the resume of Dr. Billingsgate.
Billingsgate, not loathe to exaggerate his own accomplishments, served his country twice, once with the Army and then the Navy. Then, in an unbelievable stretch of ten years, scored an unprecedented twelve doctorates from the Harvard of the Caribbean, La Fontaine College; a feat which has never been duplicated in the history of academia. Because the college had no classrooms, he obtained his degrees the hard way; by mail.
His over-the-horizon view of the Universe is unparalleled. He was the first to tackle the problem of dogs peeing on fire hydrants by inventing the ACME revolving hydrant. Replacing rusting hydrants caused by dogs urinating on them cost municipalities millions of dollars annually. The Billingsgate hydrant senses when the dog lifts his leg. Revolving counterclockwise, the hydrant takes advantage of the dog’s instability.
FACTOID: Dogs will tend to suffer from vertigo while attempting to walk on three legs while trying to keep up with a revolving hydrant while peeing. Most mutts fall in their own piddle which cures them from peeing on hydrants in the future.
Although Dr. Billingsgate is older and more mature than Vance, he could have been a virtual wrecking ball in states like California and New York, where his vision and tolerance for pettiness would have resonated with progressives who have never felt appreciated.
Dr. Slim: “When in doubt, never choose the obvious.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. But only in hindsight.”
