In an attempt to fight the "greenhouse effect," Pres. George W. Bush today passed into law a global warming bill that makes it illegal for American cows and sheep to belch.
"If my liberal counterparts can ask us to do our part by not using so much fossilized fuel," Pres. Bush said, "then the cows can be held accountable for doing their part too."
Research has shown that some animal emissions release methane gas into the air, which helps create the "greenhouse effect," in which gasses are trapped within the earth's atmosphere, Bush said in a prepared statement.
"This effect leads to global warming, which melts the polar ice caps, and the next thing you know we're all living on houseboats," the statement said.
Indeed, many species such as polar bears are already under threat, and it is believed hundreds of millions of human deaths -- if not global extermination -- may be the result of global warming.
"It's almost as deadly as nucular [sic] war," Bush's statement noted.
Senate Bill 6002.3 states that "American cows and sheep will cease their current rate of belching and flatulence, and will face the penalty of 30 days in jail and a $1,000 fine after three infractions."
Opponents of the bill aren't so sure the plan will work.
"This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard," said former Vice President Al Gore. "What are these idiots thinking, anyway? Cows and sheep have been around for how long? And the industrial age is, what, 150 years old? Do the math, people. Jesus H. Christ in a tuxedo."
Asked for comment, an unidentified cow on Hugh E. Bir farm in Topeka, Kansas, snorted and continued eating vegetation.
