NEW YORK CITY - (Satire News) - Donald Trump reportedly told his one and only remaining friend Greg "The Swamp Monster" Gutfeld that several members of the Proud Boys have texted him telling him not to worry because within 24 hours of him being imprisoned, they will break him out of prison.
One of the leaders of the Proud Boys, Sylvester F. Fuxberger, 29, said that in the army he was trained to dig tunnels and so he can dig a damn good tunnel without any kind of instruction manual.
Fuxberger, who was recently cleared of the charges that he assaulted a police horse in Paramus, New Jersey, says that there is no way that he can sit back and let the nicest man in the history of nice men rot (or rather) languish in a cold, damp, cell with no cable, no bottled water, no access to Twitter and no Big Macs.
BuzzFuzz reports that the eight people who are laughing the loudest at Trump finally going behind bars are Liz Cheney, Gov. Ron DeSantis, Robert DeNiro, Nancy Pelosi, Rudy Guiliani, Ann Coulter, Steve Kerr, and Ivanka Trump (yes the Ivanka Trump who calls DJT her sperm donor father).
