WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - The FBI just announced that former President and current inmate Donald Jonathan Erasmus Trump has been caught in yet another scandal, this time involving illegal gifts to his closest "Republicanites".
According to FBI agent Angus Castlegate, who spent countless hours sifting through evidence, Trump gave his buddies an average of $62,000 in food stamps each. And get this: every one of these 47 multi-millionaire GOPers knew that Trump was a corrupt, incompetent buffoon, but they supported him anyway!
The FBI is investigating whether these "free" food stamps were used to buy call girls, tickets to see the Baltimore Orioles (because nothing says "luxury" like a nosebleed seat at Camden Yards), and sex toys like vibrators, dildos, and cervical exciters (because why not?). In fact, some of the food stamps may have even been used to buy Victoria's Secret lingerie for the wealthy women in their lives.
When asked for comment, Trump's attorney said, "My client is innocent of all charges and will be vigorously defending himself in court... just as soon as we find a judge who hasn't been insulted by him on Twitter."
