NEW YORK CITY - (Satire News) - In news that surprises absolutely no one, Donald Trump's past sins are finally catching up to him. Looks like all that illegal, perverted, mean, and cruel bullshit he pulled has come back to bite him in his old, wrinkled, orange ass.
As they say in Indiana: "The fucking chickens have come home to roost mofo."
But Trump, being the big baby that he is, is still insisting that they have the wrong man. He's throwing his once-trusted swamp creature, Rudy Giuliani, under the bus faster than you can say "covfefe."
The 367¼ pound tub of lard, also known as "Trump the Chump," is denying everything. He never groped a woman's pussy, he never evaded the Vietnam draft, and he never, ever told a lie. Yeah, and I'm a flying unicorn.
Meanwhile, Trump's one-time friend, Gov. Ron DeSantis, is ecstatic about the news. He's hoping that Trump's arrest means that he's a shoo-in for the GOP presidential nomination. But let's not forget that DeSantis has his own issues, like those campaign workers allegations...
DeSantis reportedly said that "toxic Trump" made his damn bed, and now he has to lie on a cold, hard, metal, mattressless bed in Sing Sing prison. Ouch.
And what about "Moby Trump's" girlfriend, Maria Sandia Bartiromo? She's promising to visit her orange ogre even if it's for 99 years. We hope she brings him some nice, comfy pillows.
