NEW YORK CITY - (Satire News) - Salvatore Goombalini, who is the head of the biggest crime syndicate in the entire nation, has just issued a statement, stating that he wants anyone who has money in his 'family's' bank, to rest assured that unlike other US banks, La Banca Goombalini is as secure as secure can be.
Sal assured his customers that he will personally see to it that his depositors do not lose even one red Lincoln penny. To prove his commitment to his customers, Sal has vowed to personally guard each bank location with a battalion of trained ferrets and a team of trained ninja sloths.
Goombalini noted that some of his banks most noted customers are pro athletes, pro singers, dancers, comedians, police officers, firefighters, call girls, and even a British king (aka King Charles III).
SIDENOTE: Sal says that he recently spoke to POTUS and he assured him that his bank is 110% secure and if he wants to take some gold bars from Fort Knox and deposit them in his bank, he can rest assured they will be protected with a state-of-the-art security system and an army of inflatable unicorns.