AUSTIN - (Satire News) - The entire Lone Star state, even the GOPers and GOPettes are in shock as they cannot for the life of themselves figure out how the hell Greg "Eggplant Face" Abbott managed to get his relic old ass re-elected.
Baseball great Nolan Ryan said that he fears that Abbott The Space Creature will take Texas back 40 or 50 years and he'll end up most probably being impeached.
The World Champion Houston Astros all admitted to voting for the much-liked, and extremely intelligent Beto O'Rourke.
Astros manager Dusty Baker commented that the true fans of the Astros, along with the fans of the Dallas Cowboys, the San Antonio Spurs, the Houston Texans, and the Texas Rangers all voted for O'Rourke, who everyone knows has more charisma in his little finger than Abbott the Swamp Creature has in his entire flaccid body.
SIDENOTE: The Houston Daily Driller Newspaper reports that "Asshole Abbott," just in the last 10 months took over $1.3 million of Texas TAXPAYER MONEY to purchase a total of 17 wheelchairs. WTF??? The ugly monkey-looking bastard ONLY needs ONE!
