American Mothers for the Prevention of Everything Non-Christian (or "Moms for Liberty") have stated that they will be boycotting Halloween this year since it is a pagan holiday where devil worshippers lure unsuspecting virgins with candy and take them into the forest to do filthy things to their luscious bodies … (they can only hope!)
The banning of Halloween is coming soon to America. As are other bans. No more St. Patrick’s Day – since it cause excessive drunkenness, and the Mothers of America don’t like spirituous beverages … this goes back to their grandmothers creating prohibition. How’d that go? They created Al Capone and the tommy gun and old black and white movies with Edward G Robinson. There is an up-side.
Easter? Was Jesus a bunny rabbit who shit out chocolate eggs? Ban it!
The tooth fairy? Fairy. Nuff said. And what’s he doing in your child’s room with his hands under their pillows? Is he the Pillow Guy?
Elves, fairies, pixies, dryads, garden gnomes, trolls, ents, hobbits, orcs – all banned. They are evil beasts from the devil’s womb! Ban ban ban everything that isn’t smacking of Christ.
Strangely, though, since Jesus was a bootlegger, turning water into wine, the Mothers of Prevention will allow a wee bit of wine around the holidays – which will only be saint’s days in the Catholic calendar. Two fingers of white wine (not red, too bloody, too menstrual) and that’s it, ladies.
Now go back to your sewing circles and find more books to ban.
