All Americans will have the right to keep and bear light-sabers ... as soon as a real one has been invented.
All Americans will the right to keep and bear suits made of barbed wire in order to repel foreign invaders ... unless they’re sexy, then take it off, baby!
All Americans will have the right to shoot to main and/or kill other Americans with whom one even mildly disagrees with, or if they’re the “wrong” colour.
All Americans will have the right to go on a mass shooting spree if one hasn’t happened within twenty-four hours or if it’s a long holiday weekend.
All Americans will have the right to propose any crazy idea they can think of, then demand it becomes law, and if it doesn’t, they will have the right to try and take over the country.
All Americans will be forced to worship Jesus. That’s it, that will be the fucking law.
All Americans will have the right to go to other countries to exercise their 2nd Amendment Rights while screaming “You can’t do this to me – I’m an American!” when they get arrested and carted away for a life sentence for murder while continuing to claim they are victims and that theirs is the greatest country EVER, and the country arresting is a backwater commie shithole.
All Americans with very little melanin in their skin will have two votes for every election, and those Americans with lots of melanin in their skin will only have half-votes.
[See, if you change the language, it doesn’t sound so racist – it sounds just like real science!]
All Americans will have the right to pick fights with anyone. This is just to keep in practice in case their country can no longer fight for them. But they won’t have the right to fight against their country, only for it. Unless a crooked president is elected, then the whole thing switches.
All Americans will have the right to adhere to the nation’s well-entrenched past of slavery without being condemned for being a piece of shit. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson (12 presidents total) and 27 men who were in the Constitutional Convention of 1787 owned slaves ... so argument can be made (mostly by those south of the Mason-Dixon line) that slavery and hatred is an American tradition, goddamnit!
[See how simple and easy it is to make new laws? Then all you have to do is wait a few generations until those against the new laws are dead, and the living true believers vow to fight to the death to protect their “freedoms”.]