Dean Dean - that's not a typo, his first name is Dean - Higgins, Dean of Instruction at Winsocki U., today announced the winner of the annual "Most Distinguished Mediocre Professor of the Year" award. The winner, who has earned the coveted honor ten times previously in his forty year career at Winsocki, is Geography professor Gregor McTavish.
Dean Higgins read the citation before an audience that filled the auditorium, as nearly every professor on campus was in attendance, hoping not to be the winner of Winsocki's highest honor.
"Of the approximately 200 members of the Winsocki faculty, 190 were nominated by our students for the Most Distinguished Mediocre prize. A committee composed of the ten not nominated devoted four weeks to review of the nominees. Gregor McTavish was their unanimous choice, Higgins said. A humble McTavish rose amid thunderous applause from the faculty, relieved that they had not won the prize.
Among the deciding factors were these; McTavish mumbled through his written lecture notes in a sing-song manner that was musically entertaining.
If a student missed a lecture, an alum's notes from up to forty years ago would contain the lecture verbatim.
McTavish diligently held four office hours a week, although he was rarely there at the times posted outside his door.
For consistency in grading, he gave the same exams each semester, only altering one multiple choice answer when he discovered, after thirty years, that what had been the correct answer all those years was wrong: Bonneville Dam is not upstream from Grand Coulee.
In accepting the award, a humble McTavish thanked the selection committee, and said it was a pleasure to teach Winsocki students, who so easily absorb all that I teach, as evidenced by the fact that they never ask questions."
As the ceremony ended, McTavish turned to Higgins and said "Dean..." at which point he was interrupted by Higgins: "Don't call me by my first name. Use my title."