The Universe Apologizes for 689 Million Who Still Live in Poverty Worldwide

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Tuesday, 6 July 2021

image for The Universe Apologizes for 689 Million Who Still Live in Poverty Worldwide
Why Bad Things Happen to Impoverished People; or, How to Manifest Yourself Out of Extreme Poverty

Associated Press--Details leaked out today that at a support group for anger management for deities, one of its attendees, the Universe, was heard to admit while tearing up that he was “so sorry” for the 689 million people worldwide who still live in extreme poverty.

After listing some of his recent successes—helping a dog owner’s pet get through a minor surgery, and—through goat yoga—manifesting for someone else a promotion she had been working toward—Mr. Universe broke down, crying, and said, “I’m so sorry about the 689 million worldwide who still have to get by on about thirty-three dollars a day—which barely covers food, much less the other necessities of life. I just don’t know what to do about this. Unless,” he added with a hopeful smile, “these folks just aren’t spending enough time manifesting.”

Mr. Universe is expected to lay out his ideas in more detail in his upcoming self-help book Why Bad Things Happen to Impoverished People; or, How to Manifest Yourself Out of Extreme Poverty.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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