Local Man Accused in Capital Riot Uses Mandela Defense

Funny story written by Kilroy

Tuesday, 2 March 2021

image for Local Man Accused in Capital Riot Uses Mandela Defense
"Oh Crap! Reality is STILL messed up!"

A local man arrested for his part in the Capital Riot in January has pleaded not guilty today based on his being from “an alternate reality”. Gunter Chang, a local philosophy professor and self-professed trans-dimensional diplomat clarified for the judge that he was NOT pleading insanity as first thought, but simply an innocent victim of The Mandela Effect. Chang’s lawyer, Peter Johnson, delivered the plea with the characteristic cockiness he is known for and barely a hint of sarcasm.

The Mandela Effect is a concept in quantum physics implying that rather than a single timeline of events, it is possible that alternate realities and universes exist and occasionally mix with our own time-line, creating temporally anomalous bastards like Chang,” explained Johnson. “This would result in groups of people having the same memories because the timeline has been altered but those people have shifted between these different realities.” Johnson went on to suggest that the time-line Mr. Chang originated in was “vastly different” than our current time-line where sanity actually exists. “They don’t even have The Flintstones and Curious George has a tail!” Johnson declared to reporters, who gasped audibly.

The term "Mandela Effect" was first used in 2009 by Fiona Broome, apparently in some other reality, following the death of Nelson Mandela in a South African prison in the 1980s. While Mandela did not die in this reality, and in fact, went on to become South Africa’s President, the crazy-train notion that he did gained momentum and even picked up more passengers along the way. There was a lunch stop at Conspiracy Junction where they loaded up a few more fruit loops. They’re all apparently eating Oscar Meyer wieners due to alternate dimensional technicalities...or because they can’t just spell “Mayer” properly. “Despite a child repeatedly spelling the first and second name correctly in the jingle, people are still just stupid,” said one Mandela Effect doubter.

Among the differences in reality on the other side of the Event Horizon include the legitimacy of QAnon itself. Other examples of this Dunwich Horror of a reality Chang claims to be a refugee from include events so subtle as to be imperceptible, such as a Cabal of Satan-worshipping cannibalistic pedophiles running a global child sex-trafficking ring. Others are more apparent, such as Trump’s day of reckoning known as the "Storm" when thousands of members of the cabal were arrested. (NOTE: In case many of you do not recall these events ever happening….MANDELA EFFECT!)

Public reaction to Chang’s unique legal defense has had mixed reviews even among crazy people. “I think he reads too much Sutter Cane. They all do,” said one local woman in a low voice before leaning in and whispering menacingly, “Do you read Sutter Cane?” When informed there was no such author, the woman immediately flew into a panic. “Egads, I’m one of them!” she cried out. “Take me now, Cthulhu!” So even the Lovecraftian crazy people think the Mandela Defense is pure bullshit.

In a related story, Grand Emperor Trump called for an immediate halt to all trans-dimensional immigration, calling it a grave national as well as temporal threat. “We can’t have people popping in from all over reality willy-nilly,” Emperor Trump said from The Coliseum. He then promised to build an interdimensional wall. A big, beautiful wall...and have Joe Biden’s Reality pay for it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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