Local Scientist and Teen Killed in Freak Delorean Accident

Funny story written by Kilroy

Friday, 27 November 2020

image for Local Scientist and Teen Killed in Freak Delorean Accident
"Time Dilation is a bitch, but black holes suck!"

An eccentric inventor and local teen were killed yesterday when the Delorean in which they were riding crashed into a wall at an estimated 80 mph.

Martin McFly, 18, and Dr. Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, age unavailable, were pronounced “really dead” at the scene. Homeland Security became involved in the investigation after radiation was discovered to be leaking from what authorities are calling a “flux capacitor” in the back of the vehicle. Federal investigators are calling the incident a possible “thwarted act of terrorism”.

One NSA investigator, who refused to be identified, spoke candidly of Dr. Brown’s connections to terrorist groups in Libya anyway. "His computer and phone records show he has been in contact with shadowy groups for some time,” said Edward Snowden, who once again declined to be identified.

“It is believed that these groups provided the plutonium Brown was planning to use to make a weapon of mass destruction,” Snowden continued without prompting. A subsequent search of Dr. Brown’s home revealed a sophisticated weapons-making laboratory.

“We don’t know what he was planning yet, but we know it was big,” said Donnie Darko, another loose-lipped intelligence officer from the CIA. “Of course, we’ll have to crack his code to see what he meant by ‘traveling to the past’. We believe it is codespeak for an attack on a national artifact or historical site. There are indications an airline may be involved. Meanwhile, we're still chasing down that damned rabbit.”

Friends of McFly were stunned by the news, but not really that surprised.

“We always thought his relationship with Old Doc was kind of abnormal,” said Biff, an acquaintance of McFly’s father. “But then again, so was my relationship with his alcoholic mother. BOOM! There, I said it!”

Authorities are denying rumors that Doc Brown was a former NSA researcher involved in time travel research. “While time travel might be useful in conducting background investigations, it becomes problematic to get that information back to the future,” said bio-terrorism investigator James Cole. “In fact, the entire concept of time travel is simply ludicrous!” he said, before promptly disappearing into thin air.

Local police are being kept in the dark, of course, but are calling the equipment discovered in Doc Brown’s laboratory 'meth making equipment’. But that’s pretty much what they call any lab equipment these days.

Two friends of McFly’s, Bill Preston and Ted Logan, not only laughed out loud at the concept of time travel, but similarly denied that McFly was in any way involved with terrorism.

“He was too laid back, man. He just liked to sit around and play his guitar,” said Bill. "That's the McFly Effect."

“Accusations of him being a terrorist are just bogus. But it would be a most excellent adventure for a paperback!” added Ted.

Funeral arrangements have yet to be announced. According to sources inside the investigation, “The bodies appear to have vanished.” Local coroner Sarah Conner, who’s had recent threats on her life in connection to the investigation, called it strange, but not entirely unheard of!”

Police are continuing to investigate the cause of the accident. Among the witnesses interviewed include Rufus, the mechanic who recently 'down-sized' the Delorean's tires.

"I told that kid and the old man not to mess with the timeline. The small rims might look excellent, but they sure screw up the speedometer."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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