Local Scientist and Teen Arrested for Storming the Capital

Funny story written by Kilroy

Tuesday, 2 March 2021

image for Local Scientist and Teen Arrested for Storming the Capital
"E Equals Mind Your Own Damned Time-Line Squared"

An eccentric inventor and local teen were arrested after a high speed chase with police. Tire spikes finally stopped the DeLorean, estimated to have been going in excess of 80 mph in a construction zone

Martin McFly, 18, and Dr. Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, age unavailable, were arrested after a short foot chase. The FBI became involved in the investigation after matching photos of Dr. Brown and McFly at the scene of the Capital Breech. Furthermore, radiation was discovered to be leaking from what authorities are calling a “flux capacitor” in the back of the vehicle. Federal investigators are calling the device "suspicious".

One CIA investigator, who refused to be identified, spoke candidly of Dr. Brown’s connections to the IRA and assorted right-wing organizations. "His computer and phone records show he has been in contact with QAnon and other fringe groups for some time,” said Edward Snowden, who, once again, declined to be identified. "And don't get me started on the Russian troll farms..." Snowden began before finally being pushed from the vehicle.

“It is believed that these groups provided the plutonium Brown was planning to use to make a 'temporal locomotion device',” Snowden texted without prompting or elaboration. A subsequent search of Dr. Brown’s home revealed a sophisticated computer surveillance system and dozens of pirated Disney movies.

“We don’t know what to think. This thing landed in our laps like an airplane engine,” said Donnie Darko, Director of Psi Ops. "If this crazy bastard was working on a time machine, then we're up to our asses in a pocket universe bullshit! Meanwhile, we're still chasing down that damned rabbit!”

Acquaintances of McFly weren't particularly stunned by the news. “We always thought his relationship with Old Doc was kind of abnormal,” said Biff, McFly's guidance counselor. “But then again, so are my repressed anger issues."

Authorities are denying rumors that Doc Brown was a former NSA researcher involved in time travel research. “Like I said before, while time travel might be useful in investigations, it becomes problematic to get that information back to the future,” said bio-terrorism investigator James Cole, writing something furiously on his hand and promptly disappearing into thin air.

Local police are calling some of the equipment discovered in Doc Brown’s laboratory 'meth making equipment’. After watching bags after bag of white powdery material being hauled away as evidence, it became increasingly apparent why Doc Brown was so high strung all the time.

Two friends of McFly’s, Bill Preston and Ted Logan denied being friends of McFly's. "McFly was too much of a emo kid for me," said Ted. "One day he was all 'woke' and sh*t, the next he was gonna fly to Washington and defend Donald Trump and the Constitution. Dude makes me tired..."

“He was pretty uptight, man. He just liked to sit around and bitch about politics,” said Bill. "He could clear a room in one minute. That's the McFly Effect."

Local District Attorney Sarah Conner has had recent threats on her life in connection to the arrests and turning them over to the FBI. She remains convinced of McFly's and Brown's guilt, however. "What they did was participate in an Insurrection. They can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until Democracy is dead," she screamed at the camera.

Local police are continuing to investigate if other locals played any part in the Insurrection. President Hillary Clinton called the attempted coup 'troublesome', and met with her Cabal to discuss plans moving forward. "Find Kamela Harris and bring me those ruby slippers!" she cackled.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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