Confounded Man Quarantined

Funny story written by Kilroy

Monday, 25 January 2021

image for Confounded Man Quarantined
"Makes me wanna holler and throw up both my hands!"

A local man was admitted to a local hospital early today complaining of discombobulation and confusion. "I don't know what the f**k happened!" he said from his hospital bed. "Just a few minutes earlier, I was fine. Next thing I knew, I was flat on my ass confounded!"

Word of the man's confounding spread like a virus, resulting in the man being quarantined at his residence until more is known about the outbreak. Authorities are also said to be looking into possible links between this case and an outbreak of "total disillusionment' that struck Washington D.C. a few days earlier.

"This is more than a mere case of abject confusion, so we are taking this potential case of confounding very seriously," said the local emergency response manager. "We have not only isolated the man physically, but are also socially isolating him." The emergency manager further explained that "Patient Zero" would not be allowed access to social media or to speak with anyone until the exact confounding route of transmission is determined. "He does not need to be communicating with people and confounding them too," said the manager.

Preliminary test results eliminated a common case of flabbergasted. "A dose of Flabbergast X would have fixed that," said a unidentified physician. "Results similarly came back negative on perplexed and bewildered. So we're basically back to square one."

The confounded man is said to be resting comfortably in isolation to reduce further spread. But some suggest the crisis is bogus. 'We've never seen an outbreak of confounding in our entire contrived, convoluted history," said one political advocate holding a protest in the stricken local man's front yard. "We've been had. We've been took. We've been hoodwinked. Bamboozled. Led astray. Run amok! But not confounded. There is no confounding outbreak, just a wtf moment. It's all a hoax!"

In an unrelated story, stupidity has been classified as a preexisting condition and not subject to medical coverage. According to experts, failure to remain informed is a preventable condition.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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