Everyone Surprised By Trump Acquittal That Everyone Predicted

Funny story written by Jeff Brone

Sunday, 14 February 2021

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Hollywood’s most beloved stars and DC’s prominent politicians were shocked when they heard that Donald Trump was acquitted of his impeachment charges by almost exactly the same margin of votes that everyone in the world had been predicting for a month now.

"I can’t believe it!" stated Robert De Niro, between not doing anything of note and doing nothing. "How could this pointless charade not come to a slightly less meaningless end?" he asked while making today's batch of special sauce.

Bette Midler, who some say was once a dancer or something, said that Trump "probably killed at least a hundred people" and would get away with it because everyone but her was stupid.

Meanwhile, congressional page Eric Swalwell mistook the word “CALvary” to mean “CAValry” in a bombshell twitter post that proved, as he put it, that Jesus rode a horse while carrying the cross. Swalwell was picking his nose at the time.

I would say something about Alexandra Ocasio Cortez, but it’s just too easy.

Soon-to-be former senator Mitt Romney, whose contribution to his constituents is making up a fake Twitter account, bragged that if he ran for president again, "he would lose to ANYONE in the Obama family!"

For his part, former president Trump extended an olive branch by admitting “I made some significant mistakes while in office. But being nice to these wipes wasn’t one of them.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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