While ex-president and self-declared greatest man that ever lived, Donald Trump, sulks and skulks in his palatial Florida mansion, his favourite wife/daughter, Ivanka, has yet again astounded the world with her insatiable greed. Her ability to prise cash from the super-rich is truly a thing of beauty. Her latest abhoration is ‘Vanka’s Pop-Up Elite Ultra-Right Insurrection Club.’
Located in a luxuriously-equipped meeting room just off the lobby of the Trump International Hotel in Washington DC, the enterprise consists of an exclusive club for America’s elite ultra-right wing barnstormers.
Membership is expensive at $1m per annum per person, but for this you get a free flak jacket, a stabbing knife, a semi-automatic rifle and a list of things you are encouraged to shoot on sight. The list includes creatures that have a propensity to be social animals, such as elks, bees, dolphins, wolves, communists, Democrats and Piers Morgan.
The clubroom has a recreational drugs snorting table, champagne on tap, a choice of up-market snacks, and round-the-clock Fox news blaring out from an iMax style wrap around screen with sound volume set to maximum.
Speaking to a hastily-assembled press pack, the ex-President’s wife/daughter spoke with unbridled enthusiasm about this, her latest moneymaking scam.
“I watched what happened on January sixth, and my heart nearly broke,” she simpered, “Daddy did his best to whip those dumb red-necks into a frenzy of hate, but, let’s face it, they let him down badly. I know Daddy is the greatest man that ever lived in the history of mankind, but he clearly got it wrong that day.”
When asked by the cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano if this was because his actions were treasonous, threatened democracy and de-facto incited an attempted insurrection that cost the lives of five people – a crime for which the death sentence is too good for him - Ivanka Trump burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter.
“No, you silly boy,” she giggled, “It’s because he didn’t sell them tickets for the event. What’s more, they were dumb rednecks. They were bound to screw it up. That’s why I’ve started this new business. Members of my insurrection club will be the super-rich. They can afford to fund a bunch of elite soldiers, a private ultra-right army if you will, to storm Capitol Hill and get the job done properly.”
Ivanka then added, “True, all the people that have signed up so far are wheezy, old, rabid, super-rich neo-Nazis that have to be pushed around in wheelchairs, but they get a free sexy uniform that they can either wear or make their ‘nurses’ wear. I’m wearing it now. What do you think? Does it make me look like I can kick ass while still being coquettish and vulnerable?”
When the reporter from the UK gardening magazine ‘Thyme’ remarked it made her look like ‘some idiot wearing a body-length ribbed condom’, she abruptly called the conference to a halt, screeching at the press hound, “I know where you f*cking live so watch it, or your name goes on the f*cking list!”
When Kamala Harris was approached for a comment on this latest Trump escapade, she said, “You think they’re gone, flushed away like those particularly nasty turds looking back up at you from the can, that you finally manage to poke around the ‘U’ bend. Then, suddenly, they’re back. Will this nightmare ever end? Does she offer a discount for BLM activists?”