Kerry Advises Out of Work Pipefitters to Eat Catsup

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Thursday, 28 January 2021

image for Kerry Advises Out of Work Pipefitters to Eat Catsup
Unemployed Pipefitters Excavating a Solar Panel Advocate

John Kerry, Biden’s new Clean Energy Czar, and possibly the most annoyingly in-bred, elitist virtue signaling giant twerp of all time, recently looked down upon the thousands of out of work pipefitters from his vantage point five miles above Montana in the comfort of his private jet and found it worth his time to suggest that newly unemployed pipefitters alleviate their new idleness by taking up the manufacture of solar panels.

This commandment from the skies came as official Washington acknowledged that killing off the Keystone pipeline and an estimated 11,000 jobs would do nothing to reduce pollution, since pipelines are cleaner than rail and truck transport. Nevertheless, it was deemed symbolically important to chalk up another symbolic victory over Trump and also to show everyone that Joe is anything but sleepy.

In a surprise endorsement, the Chinese communist party said it welcomed Kerry’s initiative, and offered unemployed Montana pipefitters free lessons in Mandarin and subsidized airfare to China where jobs in solar manufacturing plants are plentiful, unlike in the US, where solar-related jobs have actually declined in recent years. The Chinese press release, however, took pains to remind pipefitters than there was no national $15 an hour minimum wage in China, but $.15 an hour was still available.

Despite taking incoming flak that missed his personal widebody aircraft by miles--being launched with surplus WWII armaments by hapless Proud Boys and their ilk--Kerry was undaunted.

“Taking potshots at the “57 varieties” of pollutants emitted by my family jet may make conservatives feel better, but I am the only one offering concrete suggestions to these deplorables—sorry, to men in these deplorable circumstances--who have made poor choices not only in their chosen careers, but in their electoral selections as well. "

"A wise man once said that elections have consequences," Kerry continued. "These pipe guys need to get over it. Remember what President Biden said during the campaign. If you can mine coal, you can write computer code. And while Joe himself doesn’t mine or write code, he is president, and he hails from a family with a long and deep tradition of coal-mining used-car salesmen."

"So you folks need to listen now to a man like me, who had the foresight to marry a catsup heiress: solar panels are the next big thing, after the last big thing, whatever that was. If you can’t fit pipe, learn to build solar panels. How hard can it be to make little glass thingamajigs with a few wires hanging off the back of a doohickey. C’mon man!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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