Seattle Cops Demand Antifa Justify Riots Or Lose Allowance

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Tuesday, 26 January 2021

image for Seattle Cops Demand Antifa Justify Riots Or Lose Allowance
Antifa Supporter in A Meditative Mood

In Portland, where left-wing extremists shattered the windows of the headquarters for the Democratic Party of Oregon and graffitied its walls with anti-Biden messages, authorities are suddenly expressing dismay at continued violence. With the departure of Donald Trump and recent gains by Democrats in the Senate, progressives had expected Antifa and others to refrain from their black block outings now that Biden had won and the goals of social justice were coming to fruition.

Embarrassed local authorities have pledged, new, tougher policies against lawbreakers. On Saturday, Seattle's interim police chief, Adrian Diaz, announced a new agreement with the city attorney to ramp up arrests against vandals, following outrage over damage to a federal courthouse in the city.

"The events of breaking windows at a variety of different locations with no meaning …cannot happen," Diaz said angrily. "There was no discussion about what they were fighting for, what type of social-justice message. We are going to immediately address those issues."

According to a spokesperson for the new chief, who clarified his remarks in a subsequent briefing, Seattle police will not arrest and prosecute protestors who break windows, set fires, or attack pedestrians or police, as long as there is a clearly articulated social justice message that gives meaning to direct action and legally transforms violent acts into protected speech. In order to assist protestors in their messaging activities, the Seattle Police department will henceforth distribute free cans of spray paint, sign boards, sharpies, and helpful lists of approved social justice slogans prior to or in the course of future riots.

Slogans like “No justice, no peace,” “black lives matter,” “all cops are bastards,” etc. will all automatically qualify as valid excuses for any linguistic rioting, articulate violence, redemptive vandalism, and metaphorical assault that arises in the course of an otherwise entirely peaceful protest. Gratuitous anti-ex-president Trump slogans will further reduce the length of pre-release detainment and qualify for one free, in-custody sandwich and a Starbucks latte.

Unidentified Twitter-based spokespersons for Antifa claimed that despite what appear to be accommodating police policies, the cops are still being bastards, in that several signboards with woke slogans were present at the sites they had attacked. “It wasn’t our fault that the f…ing cops set off all that harmful and polluting smoke and tear gas. No one could see shit,” one complained.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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