Nancy Pelosi Denies She Defecated Into Bucket Then Poured Diarrhea Over Head Of Homeless Veteran - But CCTV Tells Different Story

Funny story written by Dewani Unhatched

Saturday, 16 January 2021

image for Nancy Pelosi Denies She Defecated Into Bucket Then Poured Diarrhea Over Head Of Homeless Veteran - But CCTV Tells Different Story

A Homeless Gulf War Veteran's life was forever changed when a woman, who many believe was House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, though she is denying the allegations, dumped a teeming bucket of runny feces over his head outside a DC restaurant on Friday night.

“It was diarrhea. Hot liquid," Ralf Newsome told Local News on Monday. "I was soaked, and it was coming off my eyelashes and into my eyes,” he added. “Paramedics who came to treat me said there was so much of it on me, that it looked like Pelosi was saving it up for a month.”

The harrowing incident reportedly happened just off Walls and 5th where the decorated veteran had been panhandling for change with a group of fellow homeless vets. After rattling his coin-laden polystyrene coffee cup in the direction of a 'well dressed, but mean-looking old lady', he was attacked by, who Newsome believes was none other than Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi has strenuously denied the allegation.

“It was all inside my shopping cart because there was so much. She just kept pouring it and splattering it all over me,” he said.

The victim was taken to a hospital and checked for infectious diseases, the report said. There will be further testing.

Newsome said he wants to see his attacker get treatment for the psychological condition that caused her to attack him.

The victim said he suffers PTSD from the grotesque encounter and believes some form of counseling ought to be made available for people like himself who are left traumatized by such crimes.

“It was awful,” said Newsome, tearfully recalling the incident. "It changed my life. It was worse than all the horrors I faced in Iraq!”

Local News confirmed there was a police report, and that security cameras from downtown DC recorded the incident and immediate aftermath. Newsome asked DC police to view that footage, and they reportedly decided against letting him see it.

He said he has “empathy” for his sick attacker, whose face he’ll never forget. It concerns Newsome that the woman is still on the streets, presumably untreated.

“What’s the next thing she’s going to do somebody?” he asked.

A spokesman for Pelosi released a brief statement in which she denied any involvement in the incident; however CCTV footage, circulating on the internet, has many convinced that it was indeed Pelosi, who is well known for defecating into buckets and makes no secret of her hate for hobos, bums and veterans, who poured runny shit over the head of an American hero.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more