The media is currently awash with Covid anti-vaccination scare stories, none of which help in the fight against this malevolent and destructive virus. So, it came as a bitter blow to the medical profession that, following a very public inoculation with the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine, on the hand of the arm that received the jab Vice President Mike Pence has mysteriously grown an extra thumb.
The Trump administration in general, and specifically the blond comb-over cretin himself, has been spinning the news hard to herald the breakthrough in developing a vaccine as Trump’s personal achievement. So, the news that this vaccine has produced what can only be described as a freakish side effect in Albino morons will have come as a body blow to Trump and his sycophantic Trumpettes. This hasn’t prevented the narcissistic Trump heralding this as a ‘planned-for’ positive entirely down to his foresight and genius.
“We’re all delighted for Mike,” crowed Trump, bellowing through a megaphone to a hastily assembled press pack socially distanced round the back of The White House in the dumpster compound, “I designed the vaccine myself, so that at the end of the vaccine roll-out period, Americans alone in all the world will have more than the average number of thumbs.”
The narcissistic adulterer then went on to add, “Monkeys and their like aside, opposing thumbs are what separated mankind from lower shithole species such as mice and armadillos. Now, mankind will rise even further above those hairy tree-swinging f*ckers by having a few extra thumbs each. How’s about that for strategic planning guys?”
However, the news that the white-haired fly-luring VP has grown this extra appendage has not gone down well everywhere. First out of the traps to criticize this bizarre side effect was Dr Fauci.
Speaking to the cub reporter form the UK comic The Beano from inside his all enveloping virus-proof prosthetic capsule, Fauci barked, “What the hell’s the matter with Trump? This is NOT good news! In a matter of hours following his vaccination, Pence has grown an extra thumb on his left hand! JEEZ! What they haven’t told the press is that the sucker’s over two feet long! What else will he have grown by tomorrow morning, an extra dick? We have to stop the roll-out of this vaccination program immediately!”
When the news of the freakish development on Pence’s hand reached China, a spokesman for the state-sponsored virus, Dr Makem All Sik, said, “This is precisely what we feared would happen. Some idiot develops a vaccine. The next thing you know everybody’s immune to our virus and what’s more have extra thumbs. It’s a disaster. If the Yankees have extra fingers and thumbs on their big fat hands, they might become more dextrous than we Chinese. They might regain the ability to manufacture all the shit we sell them, and our master plan to screw the West will be ruined.”
When the naughtiest member of the UK royal family, Prince ‘I like ‘em young and juicy’ Andrew, heard Dr Fauci’s comments, he immediately applied for a vaccination. He was quoted as saying, “Hmm… over two feet long, eh? We could all use an extra dick.”