CIA Torture Study a Torture to Read

Funny story written by Kilroy

Wednesday, 10 December 2014


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'We're the Government and we're here to help. Actually not but we're all you've got!"

"Judicious Use of Cognitive and Physical Trauma to Elicit Psychic Response"--By Dr. Gunter Chang, Director of Cognitive Studies at the Central Intelligence Agency, August 2003.


Research in the area of the psychic science lags considerably behind other research fields primarily due to lack of reproducible quantitative data obtained under controlled conditions. In an effort to establish methodologies that can be used to research all manner of psychic phenomena, a series of studies were conducted at the Shadenfreude Institute of Cognitive Studies in Medicine Park, OK. These methodologies show strong evidence of successfully eliciting persistent psychic manifestations in test subjects which can in turn be measured more in detail in an on-going effort to prove their existence.

The area of psychic research urgently requires standardization of test procedures and results reporting. Only one area of psychic phenomena (precognition) was selected for research due to time and budget restraints arbitrarily imposed by The Central Intelligence Agency. Preliminary results reveal marked improvement after subjection to a hypothetically proposed series of random actions designed to inflict maximum mental stress and physical discomfort under laboratory conditions.


24 test volunteers were randomly selected from a pool of 250 applicants who scored high on a battery of tests designed to measure relative psi-receptivity. The pool of test subjects was normally distributed across all age and racial groups as well as proportional to societal gender breakdown. Results from a questionnaire narrowed down the first subgroup to the 24 respondents who were ultimately selected for the study. Appropriate weighting was given to a series of directed questions such as, "No one will miss me if I'm gone for a few weeks," and, "I consider myself a good candidate for organ donation," which are designed to more accurately determine each subject's suitability for the study.

The Shadenfreude Institute (previously a screening facility for television pilots) was selected due to its relative isolation and superior radiological emission and electromagnetic density instrumentation. In addition, the facility provided a means to isolate and study each individual without personal communications creating undesirable cross correlation. Facility lights were constantly on so that the perceived passage of time would not be considered a covariate of the main effects. They were also physically abused for the researcher's personal entertainment and to establish a sense of random punitive interaction.


Several methods of applying the cognitive trauma were considered as per Dr. Marshall Dunn's work in the 1950s(1). A Test Sarcophagus (27″ x 15″ x 87″) was constructed based on his design with some minor improvements. Once the construction of the "drowning chamber" was completed, all subjects were made familiar with its operation and design as to preclude an elevated anxiety baseline during testing.

Then in one-hour increments each subject was locked in the explosion resistant safety-glass sarcophagus and left there to establish a baseline of cognitive brain function, body temperature and heart rate. Sensors in the chamber itself using wireless technology to communicate with the main computer were calibrated while a flow of pure oxygen was pumped into the vessel at 10 minute intervals and carbon dioxide was vented from the bottom.

A rubber key pad was adhered to the inside of the vessel within easy reach of the test subjects, and a series of "yes/no" questions were presented to verify the functioning of the interface as well as discern subject response time.

After determining the integrity of all monitors and sensors, the fluid fill rate of the chamber was calibrated to maximum volume (152.53 gallons) at 10 gallons per minute. The temperature was set at 88 degrees F. in order to facilitate the urge to urinate with no practical purpose other than to harass the test subjects.

The test subjects were then divided into two groups (Control and Experimental) and assigned different tasks. One severely vision-impaired researcher was assigned to each group of this double-blind study. The Control Group was promised a series of mundane, potentially distressing tasks ranging from yard work to structural improvements around the facility.

The "Experimental" group however, was informed they would be sequestered in the chamber should they fail to perform satisfactorily in the batteries of tests. After the 'mental "pre-conditioning", with the implicit threat, test subjects were asked to predict a sequence of colored lights. Failure to do so successfully resulted in an increase in the rate of water flow into the Test Sarcophagus, accelerating the drowning process. All chambers were situated in a circle so subjects could observe each other's progress.


As expected, after 12 of the 24 test subjects perished in horrific fashion, the remaining test subjects, "got their shit together", and began predicting light sequences at a 95% accuracy rate. The Test Sarcophagus was summarily dismantled, having been previously deemed "unsafe" by OSHA. However, this information was withheld from the test subjects in order to exploit their heightened state of anxiety about possibly being put back into the death chamber(2).

Surviving subjects were then taken to a random selection of casinos across Europe and the U.S. and "strongly urged" to successfully predict the future based on three scientific models: the roll of the dice, the number and/or color of a roulette wheel, or sequence of cards drawn under controlled conditions. Currency was added to the experiment as a distraction as well as a metric which determined possible termination of the test subject.

Preliminary results show an 82% success rate when fear of death exceeded fear of monetary loss. The threshold of precognitive ability is believed to far exceed the limits previously suggested by Nazi experimentation of the 1940's as well as Guatemalan research in the 50's and 60's. However, the experiment was abruptly halted after all remaining test subjects tragically failed to successfully negotiate a minefield in Somalia(3).

Future Research:

The Central Intelligence Agency is committed to continuing research in this promising area and exploiting the ample opportunities in such diverse sectors as investment banking, gambling, and forecasting in the entertainment industry.

The Central Intelligence Agency recognizes that the area of precognition could allow the Company to preposition itself in business negotiations, avoid adverse fall-out from business activities and bet on horse races. As such, research into precognition is expected to resume as soon as the correct political environment manifests itself.


1. Dunn, Marshall (1974), Scaring the Living Hell Out of Test Subjects, Psychotic Psychic Research, Volume 3: pp. 317-356.

2. VanGump, Jack (1996), Accelerated Learning Through Fear of Death, Human Experimentation, The Next Frontier, pp. 115-134.

3. Shill, Jill (1976), How to Avoid Killing Your Test Subjects Softly with Your Song, Limits of Mad Science, Volume 2: pp. 223-245.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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