Bellevue, Nebraska. U S A. A SINful Woof Blister reporting for Spoof International News. Exclusive to The Spoof.
Our annual visit to USSTRATCOM, the U.S. Strategic Command located at Offutt Air Force base near Bellevue, Nebraska, revealed just how far President Donald Trump has gone in preparing for the possibility of a Second American Civil War, following the rigged results of the upcoming presidential election.
The nuclear weapons stationed here play a major role in his plan.
The plan went into action when Trump quietly placed pro-Trump generals and admirals as heads of their respective military branches. In addition, he personally selected a Trump general to head STRATCOM from its headquarters at Offutt, Accompanying that, insiders tell The Spoof that secret GPS calculations have now placed the San Francisco, Oakland, and Los Angeles as destination points for nukes that are normally aimed at Moscow, Peiping and Pyongyang.
I would reveal more of the actions aimed at anti-Trump sections of the country, such as the increased production of lethal nerve gas, which has been secretly stockpiled in California, New York, and even Washington, D. C. It was Trump who denounced Syrian leader Assad for using deadly gas against his own people. In the present situation, however, Trump does not consider Californians and New Yorkers to be "his own people".
Since any news report filed from Offutt is carefully scrutinized by STRATCOM, I will be sending this out by passenger pigeon to our Spoof office in nearby Omaha. I am leaving here instantly.