The coming election in the US offers its citizens a stark choice between Donald Trump, the most powerful two-year-old in the world, and Joe Biden, a man visibly and painfully declining into senility. And if the polls are to be believed, the American people have wisely put their trust in senility by a wide margin.
"But why senility," some are asking. Well, the answer is simple. No one really likes two-year-olds. Smashing expensive toys, crying out for no reason, flinging food and feces against nearby walls, and, in general, making a huge fuss. Two-year-olds, even those in their seventh decade of being two years old, are simply unelectable.
On the other hand, there is Joe Biden. For all his fake sincerity and earnest vacuity, people still like Biden, who comes across to most voters as a more photogenic version of your daffy uncle Fred who has a habit of pinching his nurses on their bottoms as they take his pulse. This naughty but not evil behavior was the inspiration for the Biden campaign’s runner-up slogan, “He means no harm”. People really don’t care if he does anything good, as long as he shuts up that shrieking two-year-old.
While Joe seems likely to accomplish that shutting-up on November 3, Democratic Party insiders worry to themselves that there will, in the end, be a price to pay for electing old Uncle Pinch-bottom, whose creepiness and air of being mentally elsewhere will loom larger in the absence of Trump. But Democrats have a ready answer: a long vacation for Joe at a different big white house, beginning sometime in Biden’s first two years. Nancy Pelosi’s newly-formed committee on the 25th amendment, which permits the president to be ousted for disability, is already deep into the planning for this eventuality.
Rumors circulating on Capitol Hill say that a set of triggers for application of the 25th amendment has already been drafted. Details are scarce, but one source provided a few illustrative examples. If, for example, the future President Biden complains to aides that he has misplaced the nuclear football a second time, that will likely be enough to trigger the amendment. Or, if Biden does worrying things like ask the cookie girl at 7:00 a.m. every day to give him the nuclear launch codes, that will also do it.
His fragile awareness of purpose and surroundings will also be closely monitored. For example, if he continues to give speeches as the Senator from Delaware, or wakes up from a nap and asks what he is doing in the Oval Office, or why the Potomac has been rerouted to Scranton, PA., Pelosi will be forced to act and send Joe packing to the alternate white house. Nor will he be permitted to speak without consequence of Corn Pop the bully or the kids playing at the pool with his golden leg hair.
Asked about these rumors, Pelosi laughed them off, saying, “It’s just like I said about the Affordable Care Act. We first need to elect Joe Biden before we can know what’s in him.”