Wilmington, Delaware. Exclusive to The Spoof. Democratic candidate Joe Biden today admitted he's a socialist, and vowed to nationalize the biggest corporations in America by executive order the first day of his presidency.
"If you think Trump went wild with executive orders, wait until you see what I can do," Biden bragged from his campaign headquarters.
Biden issued a list of companies to be nationalized, starting with Apple, Amazon, Microsoft and Google. Together, their estimated stock value approaches $4 trillion. "That's paper value," said Biden, "mostly speculation. When I post my plan for regulating each of them, the stock will fall precipitously. Won't cost more than a trillion to buy them all."
Biden announced the nationalization program after the market had closed today. In the after hours trading, Apple fell over fifty percent, closing with a stock cap slightly less than $1 trillion.
On the other hand, quick telephone polls by CBS and NBC showed Trump reversing previous results and now leading Biden by 30 points nationwide. Brokers are calling clients, urging them to buy Apple tonight... at any price.