Update: Suicidal Man Seeks Coronavirus Infection

Funny story written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Wednesday, 15 July 2020

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Madison Ave., New York City. Special to The Spoof. That timid, despondent man who was sent to the psychiatric ward at Bellevue in May, after repeated attempts to contract the Covid-19 virus by hugging intensive care virus patients at Queens Hospital here, has a new problem, now that he has solved his financial difficulties and become rich. Those Covid-19 patients he hugged are suing him.

The unidentified advertising executive in a so-so Madison Avenue firm, who had been furloughed without pay because ad sales were down in the pandemic, posed as a paramedic from Musk Ox, Wyoming, who had come to New York to aid overworked medical professionals treating virus victims. He appeared at the entry to Queens dressed in medical wear amid a flurry of reporters and TV cameras. No one seemed to question his story, and he entered the hospital. A half-hour later, a doctor called police when the man was seen hugging and kissing Covid-19 patients, particularly those who were coughing or sneezing.

The obviously-despondent man told police he was deeply in debt, had numerous bills coming due next week, and was too timid to commit suicide by gun, rope or poison. So he figured he would die with the virus. He had tried kissing women on the street, going to crowded hot tubs that were illegally open, and riding in standing room-only buses. Nothing worked. As a last resort, he tried the paramedic charade.

Examinations at Bellevue determined the man was full of antibodies that would forever prevent him from contracting Covid-19. As a result, various pharmaceutical labs and medical research schools offered him lucrative contracts to let them experiment on him, in an effort to learn more about the effect of the antibodies on the Coronavirus. He eventually signed with Farma Labs for an amount reportedly in excess of one million dollars.

As of today, eleven patients have filed a class action suit seeking $10 million in damages and an undetermined amount for pain and anguish. At last report, the ad exec was looking for a different virus to end his life. He had booked passage on an airline to Wuhan, China, where, reportedly, a new and more virulent strain of the virus, called Covid-20, was guaranteed to kill him.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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