News You Missed During Protests, Fires and Looting

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Saturday, 13 June 2020

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Stuff they didn't want you to know

Spoof News HQ, Shangri-La, Kunlun Mts, China. For nearly two weeks newscasts, both television and radio, have focused so heavily on the Floyd protests and their ancillary activities such as fires and looting, that most news junkies have been unable to follow the REAL news of the day. Spoof, therefore, offers below a brief synopsis of what they didn't tell you.

1- Mt. Hercules, once the world's tallest mountain at nearly 33,000 feet [see the World Almanac for the mid-1870s], disappeared in a volcanic eruption that occurred simultaneously with an 8.9 earthquake that devastated most of New Guinea, leaving half the island under water.

2 - Venezuela is free! Taking advantage of the public's preoccupation with the riots, on Sunday a contingent of special forces parachuted into Caracas at night, blew up the presidential palace and the dictator. Immediately, the Venezuelan armed forces pledged their loyalty to the new dictator on the right, Trump removed all sanctions and ordered all 3 million Venezuelan refugees to return home. Ten leftl The others demanded asylum and U.S. citizenship, pledging to vote Republican.

3 - A North Korean atomic bomb test went awry on Monday, killing thousands of onlookers, including president Kim. With the entire hierarchy of commie leadership wiped out, there was no charge that the mishap was an American plot. The Pentagon was all smiles, however, even if tight-lipped.

4 - Every member of the Houston Astros sent their World Series championship rings to their counterparts on the Los Angeles Dodgers. Well, all except one, Vinegar Joe Stillwater insisted his game- and series-winning home run was made without the help of a drum, garbage can or other pounding. "I'm deaf. How could that have helped me?"

5 - Yesterday all Teslas were banned from the roads of California as a traffic hazard. Elon Musk immediately started a movement to recall Gov. Newsom.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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