Washington, DC—President Donald Trump was admitted to Walter Reed Hospital on Wednesday, and has been diagnosed with ADTD, or Attention Deficit Tweet Disorder, the symptoms of which include an orange, puffy face, a predilection to sit on the toilet and tweet early in the morning (and midmorning, midday, late at night, etc.), and a gradual but noticeable decline in cognitive function.
Patients suffering from ADTD often, because they can’t focus very well, are subject to sudden, irrational outbursts of anger fueled by enemies real and perceived, an inability to focus on reading anything beyond a single paragraph or page, and a frequent attraction to conspiracy theories, like the long discredited conspiracy that Joe Scarborough was implicated in the death of an intern in 1994.
Family members, concerned that the disorder is interfering with the President’s main job, which is distracting the rest of the country from the mess he’s made in recent months in dealing with the COVID 19 virus, had an intervention; it didn't work, because Donald Trump spent the entire intervention sitting on the Executive Toilet and attacking his family members, tweeting of his own daughter, Ivanka, that she should: “spend a little less time at the buffet in the White House cafeteria if she wants to remain her DADDY'S FIRST DUAGHTER!” and, of Donald Jr., “HE’S JUST A RICH WHITE KID WHOSE NEVER HAD TO WORK A DAY IN HIS WIFE!”
Doctors at Walter Reed are thinking of maybe medicating the President, perhaps with Focalin or Vyvanse, but are afraid either drug would just allow the President to stay up all night tweeting, only worsening his already deteriorating condition. In the meantime, the Secret Service has been instructed to tackle the President every time he reaches for his phone.