Man Kidnaps Woman and Demands a Ransom of 40 Rolls of Toilet Paper

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 13 April 2020

image for Man Kidnaps Woman and Demands a Ransom of 40 Rolls of Toilet Paper
Lt. Keyweather said that these are part of the 40 rolls of toilet paper that the kidnapper will be getting.

NEWARK, New Jersey – Newark police have just announced that they have received a very unusual ransom note from an individual who has kidnapped the 24-year-old daughter of well-known Newark attorney, V.K. Fillatingo.

Lt. Rusty Keyweather, with the NPD, said that the ransom note consisted of individually cut-out letters from the April edition of Sports Illustrated Magazine.

The lieutenant said that, so far, they have been able to ascertain that the kidnapper is left-handed, and that he had recently eaten a whole bunch of Cheetos.

Lt. Keyweather noted that the person who put the ransom note together misspelled the words Charmin (Charmen), beaver (beevur), and Hannity (Hanatee).

When asked if he thought that the perp could possibly be a Republican, the lieutenant replied that it’s possible because of the fact that at the bottom of the ransom note, the kidnapper had added the words MAGA ROCKS in cut-out letters.

Lt. Keyweather was asked how much money the kidnapper was asking for.

He replied, “The kidnapper said that he does not want any money, and that he just wants 40 rolls of Charmin Toilet Paper (in single rolls), and once the rolls are in his hands, he will release Miss Fillatingo unharmed.

Lt. Keyweather pointed out that if the kidnapper does not get the Charmin within 24 hours, he will give Miss Fillatingo a big French kiss and possibly expose her to the C-19 flu virus.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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